Holly directed me to this fascinating item from the Village Voice blog about music in strip clubs, and the most interesting revelation to me is that strip joints are apparently one of the main reasons really shitty mainstream rock groups like Nickelback and Staind hang on as long as they do. If titty-bar audiences like certain songs or bands -- no matter how obvious their awfulness might be to the general public -- then DJs snap up their records, the records cling to high chart positions, and the radio stations keep playing them. To me, this string of causation is almost as nefarious as finding out that the CIA hired the mob to kill Kennedy, or whatever the prevailing conspiracy theory is these days.
It's almost enough to make me want to take out a bunch of risky loans and open my own strip club, just to inject a better class of music into the world of adult entertainment. Hell, if I don't find a job soon, I may try applying for the job of strip-club DJ myself -- I've tried just about every other damn thing. This week's +5 is a taste of what I'd throw out there were I offered such a position -- Five Songs On My Strip-Club DJ Playlist:
Digital Underground, "The Humpty Dance"
I've been to a strip club or two in my time -- yes, I know that's a shocking revelation -- and somehow I've never heard this song played. Not once. If I was a strip-club DJ, I'd remedy that real quick like, and could even rap the song live while the dancer performed (not that anyone would be paying attention to me, of course). This, incidentally, was the song I did when we visited the karaoke bar at the Imperial Palace during our big blogger trip to Vegas last spring. And I killed it, quite frankly.
Bell Biv Devoe, "Poison"
Another song I can crush at karaoke, and another one I've surprisingly never heard at a strip joint. (My strip-club repertoire would have a strong '80s influence, which is another revelation that I know is just absolutely shocking to all of you.)
Pet Shop Boys, "Opportunities (Let's Make Lots Of Money)"
Obviously there has to be a Pets song in there somewhere, but their catalogue is not exactly front-loaded with strip-club-appropriate songs -- it's pretty much either this, "Bet She's Not Your Girlfriend," or "It's a Sin," and this is probably the best-known of the three. Not to mention a great song to "make it rain" to, if that's what you're there for.
Isaac Hayes, "Theme from 'Shaft'"
This is one of those songs that's so awesome I can't think of a situation it wouldn't be appropriate for, honestly. Strip club? Awesome. Bar mitzvah? Sure, why not. Funeral? Maybe it's a bit out there for you, but I'm going to make sure they play this as they wheel my casket out of the church.
Nouvelle Vague, "Too Drunk to F#&k"
I'd save this one for the last song of the evening, by which time the song pretty much describes most of the patrons in the bar anyway. And just for the record, this wouldn't be the weirdest song I'd ever heard played at last call at a strip club; I was at a place in Birmingham a few months back where they closed out the night with Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
And now for the Ten, which may or may not come strip-club-approved:
1. The English Beat, "Can't Get Used to Losing You"
2. Beck, "Profanity Prayers"
3. Q-Tip, "Do It"
4. Public Enemy, "Bring the Noise"
5. Orbital, "Are We Here?" (Industry Standard version)
6. The Farm, "Rising Sun"
7. Pet Shop Boys, "Miracles" (Eric Prydz remix)
8. Sinéad O'Connor, "Famine"
9. Big Audio Dynamite II, "Kool-Aid"
10. Lyrics Born, "I Changed My Mind"
You know, with the Olympics having just recently concluded, it occurs to me how many good strip-club songs would also be great for figure skaters. The day a skater has the stones to select "Poison" or "The Humpty Dance" as her free-skate music, that's the day she locks up the gold medal, no questions asked.
Throw your own Random Tens and your own selections for music you'd play at a strip club (or, hell, music you'd dance to at a strip club) in the comments.
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