A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:Bad ideas in every bite.

· Are you following Hey Jenny Slater on Twitter yet? You should be, because then you can learn about stuff like this, which I spotted on Valley Avenue ion Saturday while making a run to Costco.



Open question to any and all of my readers in the Birmingham area: Did any of y'all actually avail yourselves of this service? If so, how'd that work out for you? I'm honestly curious.

· As public declarations go, though, I think a message from a grown man in a diaper might still be preferable to this.



Someone's idea of a joke, you say? Oh noooo. Check out this essay -- in which the statement "masturbation is sex" is made without even a smidge of irony -- and this MySpace blog post, in which the author "fearlessly testifies to her struggle and victory over masturbation!"

Maybe I'm being overly flip here, but doesn't this all seem a little . . . melodramatic, somehow? Here's a tip, guys: If you're "struggling" that much with masturbation, you're probably doing it wrong. All that said, though, I'll give fifty dollars to the first Hey Jenny Slater reader who purchases one of the "Ex-Masturbator" shirts and provides photographic proof of having worn it for the entirety of a Christian church service.

· If you're really "struggling" with masturbation, though, the GOP has a solution. Turns out they have a solution for everything. (Thanks to Mac G for the link.)

· Here's an honest question: Why does ESPN Classic only show old football games during football season? Why not show old football games now, when football junkies like me are that much more desperate for a fix? I rarely watch old games on Classic because there are usually new games to worry about, but if they showed them between February and July (and showed, say, basketball from August to November and baseball from December to February), I'd watch the hell out of that. Just a thought, ESPN! A brilliant idea, free of charge. You can thank me later.

· God, I hope Lane Kiffin never gets fired. Ever.

· Finally, a good idea: Southwest Airlines has added to their already extensive list of specially painted airplanes by putting Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model Bar Refaeli on the side of a Boeing 737.



We better make sure the ex-masturbators don't find out about this.