A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:Torturing Sims, executing flies, but still crying on the inside.

· As an addendum to the inaugural Monday Morning Cage Match post from earlier this week, an additional look at Jay-Z's "99 Problems," in visual form.



· My sister and I both got seriously addicted to the original "The Sims" back around the summer of 2002 or so, and we have, for the most part, maintained a respectful distance from the game ever since lest we both start rolling into work at 11 every morning going, "Hey, man, I am so sorry, but I've been trying to save up for an addition to my Sim's house and he's this close to getting a promotion at his job." Anyway, baby sis e-mailed me this link yesterday, and instead of wasting work time playing "The Sims," I found myself wasting work time reading about "The Sims," and by "reading" I mean "trying not to piss my pants due to sheer giggle-stifling effort." Behold, a mere sample:

Pinned to one spot, she refused to interact with Beef or me, almost as if the game forgot she was there. But Beef still knew. He refused to use the bathroom from the moment she arrived. He howled a picture of a toilet at her over and over, and she responded by staring through him until his bladder detonated where he stood.

Just to fuck with us, she showed she could move the whole time, and turned her back to give Beef privacy while he mopped up his shame. I’ll have to watch out for this woman . . . she’s pushing his fragile mind in directions I don’t have protocols for. Speaking of, since the government took the child away, I began removing toys from the home while Beef sleeps. I want him to think that maybe the kid was never there to begin with, which seems like an inadequate mind game now that ghosts are forcing him to pee on himself.

You simply have to read the whole thing; it's breathtaking. And yeah, now I'm probably going to go out and get "Sims 3."



· Among the many films that Flickchart has reminded me how much I like is Bill Murray's 1990 film "Quick Change," and I'm thrilled that The Onion's A.V. Club ran this article about it. Few people do cynical, world-weary gallows humor better than Murray, and while his movie and Spike Lee's "Inside Man" tread a lot of the same New-York-as-festering-cesspool-of-disillusion-and-resentment territory, "Quick Change" was the one I had lots more fun watching. (I also had a good time watching this.

· I can honestly say I have never been less interested in anything that was ever going to be published in Playboy, and that includes the time they did a nude pictorial of that chick from "Melrose Place" when she was like eight months pregnant.

· THIS IS HOW SKYNET GOT STARTED, you assholes.

· And finally: PETA, shut the fuck up and stick to what you're actually good at, which is taking pictures of naked supermodels.