I don't remember where the inspiration for this week's +5 came from, but I was talking with Holly the other day about something -- maybe it was a movie, maybe it was an album, maybe it was a car -- and we were remarking on how well it had held up over the years. In our instant-gratification culture these days, I think that's a quality that doesn't get talked up enough: Anybody can make an object, whether it's a work of art or a consumer good, that gets people jazzed at the moment it's introduced, but it's much harder to make something about which people will be saying 20 or 30 years hence, "Wow, it's been a long time but that thing has still managed not to be embarrassing. I'd still be proud to watch/drive/listen to/be seen in public with that." So here's a salute to that which has stood the ravages of time better than lesser creations: Five People, Places, And Things That Have Held Up Really Well.
"Terminator 2: Judgment Day" It's hard to believe that this movie is nearly 20 years old -- it was one of the first movies I saw after we moved down to Georgia in the summer of '91 -- and even harder to believe just how good the "liquid metal" visual effects look. For all the hype these days about advancements in CGI and 3D and whatever else, James Cameron probably set a bar with this movie for seamlessly blending CGI and live action that still hasn't been cleared. And while Cameron himself hasn't entirely resisted the temptation to make movies with so much CGI they might as well be video games, he still does it better than just about anyone out there.
Kathryn Bigelow Cameron's one glaring error: calling it quits with Kathryn Bigelow after only two years. The picture above, taken shortly before Bigelow became the first female Best Picture winner in Oscar history? She was fifty-eight years old when that was taken. Guys, I know I can't speak for all of us, but if someone came to me and said "Marry your current girlfriend and she'll still look like this 30 years from now," I'd take that deal no questions asked. (Side note: Does winning the Oscar for "The Hurt Locker" give Bigelow the creative leeway she needs to make the "Point Break" sequel we've all been awaiting for nearly two decades? God, I hope so.) Honorable mention: Helen Mirren, old enough to qualify for Social Security but still straight-up crushing it in stuff like this.
Tears for Fears As much as I like '80s New Wave music -- fuck that, as much as I love it; I celebrate its entire catalog -- even I have to admit that a substantial portion of it comes off as really cheesy these days. Tears for Fears, though, is in a lot of ways an exception. I mean, you can occasionally hear some 1985 in the tinniness of the synthesizers or drum machines, but otherwise, this shit still sounds really good, and Songs from the Big Chair is just a great album, period.
old Volvos This past Tuesday I went down to the Volvo dealer in town for a special promotional event unveiling the new S60 sedan, which is certainly a gorgeous automobile, but let's take a minute to salute its boxy predecessors for their noble service in the mission of getting us to where we need to go and not getting us killed on the way there. Given how a lot of car manufacturers are re-introducing the concept of sharp angles in some of their recent designs, it's remarkable to ponder how good some of these old-style Volvos still look (the ones that have been well-maintained, at least), and while they may not have the laundry list of computerized, triple-redundant, radar-guided safety features that the new S60 has, they're still safe as a freaking house in the unfortunate event that you actually hit something. (Though I have to admit that the new S60, which has a camera mounted above the rearview mirror that scans the road for objects that look like people and will slam on the brakes for you if you're about to hit one of them, is pretty badass. Still, they're not bringing the wagon, and that is damn near unforgivable.)
"Muppet Babies" This was the centerpiece of my Saturday-morning cartoon viewing for the vast majority of my childhood, and looking back on it now, it's funny how many of the visual gags went completely over my head. There was the Monty Python-esque cut-and-paste animation, which of course I totally didn't recognize as being Monty Python-esque to begin with, but this show was also chock full of pop-culture references that perhaps presaged all of us Gen-Xers growing up to become witheringly post-modern pop-culture-obsessed hipsters. That's what this show was: a training class for future hipsters. I'd really like to do a study interviewing people who were regular viewers of this show back in the '80s and seeing how many of them went on to become bloggers.
And now the Ten:
1. Young Holt Unlimited, "Soulful Strut" 2. Underworld, "EssGee" 3. Pet Shop Boys, "Minimal" 4. Moby, "Guitar Flute and String" 5. Cee-Lo, "Let's Stay Together" 6. Meat Beat Manifesto, "Everything Counts" 7. Underworld, "Kittens" 8. The Chemical Brothers, "Swoon" 9. New Order, "Thieves Like Us" 10. Ice Cube, "When Will They Shoot?"
Your turn to take over in the comments: Random Tens, and nominations for stuff that's really stood up well over the years, are welcomed.
So last night was the official beginning of the 2010 college football season, and it was everything I hoped it could be. OK, maybe not everything -- South Carolina looked frighteningly proficient, and at no point in the USC-Hawaii game did anyone leave a flaming bag of dog poo on the sideline for Lane Kiffin to frantically stomp out, but still, it was football. In high def. That I was watching on my own TV, in my own house, that I was paying for with money from a job, which was not the case this time last year. Maybe God really does want me to be happy.
I don't think it's much of an exaggeration to say that I look forward to this glorious day in much the same way that a little kid looks forward to Christmas; that's how giddy the anticipation is. It's got all the trappings of Christmas, when you think about it: excited predictions about what we're all going to get (in the wins column), wearing special outfits and cooking special foods, spreading glad tidings to our fellow believers, making elaborate travel plans. (Seriously, a couple weekends ago Holly and I sat down and planned out every weekend between now and mid-December -- who our teams are playing, where we're gonna be, whether we'll be in the same place or off doing our separate thing. I made a spreadsheet. It's color-coded. Maybe you're not impressed, but Holly's mom was, and that's what counts.)
So I hope that counts as proof that I haven't become totally jaded, or completely lost my ability to experience childlike wonder about, you know, stuff. And football's not the only thing: There are still some things I await with breathless anticipation, even as an adult. These wonderful things are the subject of this week's +5: Five Things I Anticipate As Eagerly As Christmas (Or Football Season).
The Phil Steele annual Stipulated: When you're making multiple sweaty-palmed visits to Books-A-Million round about the first week in June to see if the Holy Grail of football statistics and handicapping advice has arrived, you have a problem. Maybe a terminal one. But the arrival of Phil Steele's college football bible is the unofficial halfway point of the offseason -- a sign that it really is OK to start getting publicly geeked up about this stuff again, not to mention a sign that the end of the seemingly interminable football-free desert is on the horizon. And when you open that thing up to find that your team has been anointed by Saint Phil to do great things, it's like a ray of sunlight has burst from the clouds and pointed itself straight at you.
New James Bond movies Even in the waning days of the Pierce Brosnan era, as the Bond franchise threatened to crumble into a mess of over-the-top CGI and questionable casting choices, the arrival of a new James Bond movie was something to look forward to. Now that the franchise has been rebooted and an emphasis has been placed on actual, you know, cinematic merit, it's become An Event. The series has stalled as MGM Studios has gone into deep financial troubles, but Daniel Craig is still under contract for two more movies, and both Craig and director Sam Mendes are said to be eager to get started on the next film once MGM gets its finances squared away. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping there will be a 23d Bond film (and a 24th) -- it just looks like we're going to have to wait a while for them.
New updates to the iPhone operating system OK, yes, this is Nerd City, the kind of thing that (ugh) a Georgia Tech fan might get jacked up about. But if you were an iPhone owner, you'd understand. "You mean I can cut-and-paste with a tap of my finger now? AND there's multitasking?!?!" Maybe it's sad that this is what I've been reduced to, but hey, it's a harsh world out there. You take your glimmers of hope where you can find them.
The World Cup Here's the weird thing: For 47 out of every 48 months on average, I don't follow soccer at all. No, I don't feel guilty about this, it's not like soccer doesn't have enough fans elsewhere in the world. But there's just something about the World Cup that's awesome to me. Maybe it's the fact that nations from all over the world -- in some cases nations who might otherwise be inclined to despise one another -- are coming together in a single country just to play a game. Maybe it's the opportunity to see teams from fairly downtrodden countries rise up and get a chance to kick the ass of a superpower every now and then. Or, hell, maybe it's just stuff like this. But whatever the case, the World Cup is the one case in which I can get excited about someone winning 1-0 in overtime. It's not football (well, it's not our kind of football), but it'll do.
Getting my income-tax return For about the past decade, I've been fortunate enough to get a refund from the gubmint on my income taxes, rather than owing them more money. It's kind of like getting a nice little present (or in some cases not-so-little) out of nowhere in the otherwise bleak expanses of February and March. And I can probably set my watch by the moment one of my libertarian or conservative friends pops up in the comments to say "I don't know what you're getting so excited about, the government's only giving you back your own money," but -- man, quit blocking my shine. It's money. I can spend it. Why bitch about it? Assuming I'm still going to continue getting refunds now that I'm at a new job, I think I'm going to blow 2011's refund on this.
Wow, I feel like a kid again! OK, not really. But here's the Random Ten, which I know y'all have been anticipating as eagerly as Christmas, or football season, or the return of the McRib sandwich:
1. The Roots, "The Spark" 2. Sugar Ray, "Spinning Away" 3. The Clash, "(White Man) in Hammersmith Palais" 4. Beck, "Modern Guilt" 5. DJ Shadow, "High Noon" 6. Beck, "Youthless" 7. The Pixies, "There Goes My Gun" 8. Dexys Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen" 9. P.M. Dawn, "Reality Used to Be a Friend of Mine" 10. Pet Shop Boys, "Metamorphosis"
Your turn to put your own Random Tens, and/or lists of things you still bother to bounce up and down getting excited about, in the comments. And happy Footballmas, everyone.
Soooo last week Holly and I accompanied Josh to a screening of "The Expendables." Really, our motivation for going wasn't to watch the movie so much as watch Josh watching it -- as you can tell by his blog, he's been a wee bit excited about the movie for, oh, a year and a half now. So you can imagine our dismay -- to say nothing of Josh's -- when it turned out that the movie, to put it politely, stunk on ice. Basically, it was a direct-to-DVD movie with an $82-million budget. I'm still not convinced that the film had a script at all, and yet somehow the actors, for all their badassery, seemed overmatched by what meager dialogue they had. So we didn't get much in the way of characterization, and even less in the way of motivation. (Seriously, when Mickey Rourke is the deepest and most soulful character in your story, you've got problems, particularly when he's only on screen for a total of maybe 10 minutes.) And while all of this kvetching about dialogue and character might seem irrelevant in a movie that clearly sells itself as a pretty mindless action flick, even the action scenes descended into complete incoherence after a while. It's pretty hard to bore me with gunfights and massive explosions, but somehow "The Expendables" managed it. The one exception: Terry Crews and his automatic shotgun. Messing with either is inadvisable.
It did get us to talking afterward, though: If we were putting together an ensemble cast of total badasses for some kind of suspense film, be it a good 'n' violent war movie, a caper flick, or whatever else, who would we pick? I don't have the plot of mine quite nailed down yet -- band of grifters hired by the CIA to clean out the entire treasury of a rogue terrorist nation, maybe? I'm still working on it -- but I know who my five badasses would be. Thus this week's +5 is the Five-Man Army For My Ensemble Action Movie:
George Clooney I know not everyone is crazy about Cloons -- he talks a lot, he can be kind of a dick, he dates women far beyond the caliber of anyone you or I will ever so much as be in the same room with. But that's kind of what makes him a badass, I think. And he was suave as hell in all three of the Ocean's 11/12/13 movies. I see him as being kind of like the American version of James Bond; it's easy to picture him shooting people whilst wearing a tux.
Robert De Niro Just turned 67, and still has it. And though he won Oscars for "The Godfather Part II" and "Raging Bull," I think my favorite performance of his is in "Casino," a movie I thought was just OK at first but seems to have gotten better and better with age: He plays a character who's smarter than most of the people around him, smart enough to know that the house of cards they've all built for themselves is going to come crashing down eventually, yet he can't keep himself from getting caught up in the glamour and temptation along with them. (Yet I also laugh every time I think of him in "Meet the Parents," asking if it's possible for him to be milked.)
Clive Owen If Clooney is the American James Bond, Clive Owen wouldn't make a bad British one; if Daniel Craig ever decided to hang up his Aston Martin keys and retire from the franchise, Owen would be first on my shortlist to replace him. Equally adept as a badass ("Inside Man") or as a heavy-drinking sad sack forced by circumstance into becoming one ("Children of Men," one of my top five movies of all time).
Samuel L. Jackson Permanently ascended into the pantheon of badasses 16 years ago with this line and has since cemented his legacy through "Shaft," "Black Snake Moan," the "Iron Man" films, and being one of the only tolerable things about the "Star Wars" prequels. And now, as Josh points out, he's lending his badassery to support a worthy athletic cause.
Michael Caine Sir Michael will turn 80 in less than three years, but whatever -- he was one of the original movie hardasses back in the '60s and has retained that title ever since. Even when the movie he's in is absolute crap -- i.e. 1987's "Jaws: The Revenge" -- he manages to maintain his awesomeness: "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific." His most recent performance was in "Harry Brown," an average movie featuring an exceptional performance from Caine, and while there was a rumor going around for a while that it would be his last leading role, that has since been debunked, to our great relief.
My movie will be called "The Indispensables," catch it at a theatre near you the twelfth of Never! (Followed by a cash-in direct-to-DVD sequel, "The Machine-Washables," sometime after that.) And now the Ten:
1. Looking Glass, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" 2. John Coltrane, "Resolution" 3. Pet Shop Boys, "I Don't Know What You Want But I Can't Give It Any More" (PSB Extension mix) 4. Jakatta, "American Dream" (Afterlife mix) 5. James Brown, "Papa Don't Take No Mess (Part I)" 6. Radio 4, "New Disco" 7. The Jazz Jury, "Pictures" 8. Talking Heads, "This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" 9. The Streets, "Has it Come to This?" 10. New Order, "Everything's Gone Green"
Your turn: Give me your five-man ensemble cast of badasses, along with your Random Tens, in the comments.
. . . Which brings me to the two truest, most brilliant, spot-on paragraphs I have seen written about American cinema in eons, courtesy of you-know-who and you-know-who's BFF:
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side LIVIA: Oh, Sandra. I really don't know what to say about this nomination. You have brought me so much joy over the years, beginning with your bizarrely compelling performance across from a never-creepier Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping. You are glorious, and to be honest, I love you a little. However. That does not mean I will be endorsing you for Oscar gold. If they gave out Oscars for dyeing your hair blonde and acting like a bitch at football games, three ladies on my block would be Academy voters. Color me unimpressed. NASTINCHKA: This is the only remotely relevant section in which I can point out that the Tuohy's real-life daughter is eons prettier than that tramp-stamped little minx they put in the movie. Who de-hots an Ole Miss cheerleader for filming purposes? If they were going to get one thing right about this festering delta puddle of an adaptation, that one seemed like easy money.
I'll confess right now that I somehow still have not managed to see "The Blind Side," but I did devour the book -- whose author, outrageously, didn't get mentioned once on Sunday night -- and I've seen enough clips and promos of the film adaptation to be confident I got the better end of the deal on that one.
So anyway, all I'll say about Sandra Bullock's Oscar win is this: Not having seen any of the five films to receive Best Actress nominations, I can't say where Bullock's acting job should rank among them. My beef is that she got nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role to begin with. Had they filmed Michael Lewis's book completely accurately, Bullock's character of Leigh Anne Tuohy would only have been eligible for the Best Supporting Actress category. She plays an important role in Michael Oher's awe-inspiring transformation, to be sure, but the story isn't about her; it's about Michael Oher. Flipping the script to give Bullock a shot at a bravura leading performance basically turns the whole deal into Very Very Special White Lady Saves Minority Youth, and I think that trivializes the amazing story of what both Oher and the Tuohys accomplished.
Did race play into that decision at all? Ergh, I'm not going near that can of worms. Not knowing any of the filmmakers, I'm not qualified to say whether turning "The Blind Side" into Very Special White Lady Story was a product of any racial condescension on their part. But whatever the motivation, it sure seems like it made for a less interesting movie.
And no, I can't imagine a reason why they would've had anyone but the Tuohy's actual daughter in the Collins Tuohy role. As cinematic mysteries go, that's right up there with Rosebud.
I've had a surprising number of people tell me recently that February is the month they hate the most -- surprising, I guess, because it seems wasteful to spend that much angst on the month that occupies the fewest days out of the year. On the other hand, though, I guess I can see where they're coming from: It's always cold; the weather sucks; it's got Valentine's Day plopped right in the middle of it, which, even for people in relationships, is one of the more insufferable holidays; and hanging over our heads is the constant reminder that the Powers That Be picked the shortest month of the year for Black History Month, which is just some incredibly racist shit.
But if you keep an open mind, you can find some stuff to like about February other than the fact that it'll be over with quicker than any of the other months. You actually don't have to look too hard, either; I didn't, and I still managed to come up with this week's +5, Five Things To Look Forward To In February. You can start off by congratulating yourself that you made it through January, which really sucked. But anyway:
The Super Bowl (this Sunday) It's always bittersweet when actual football finally comes to an end. And as a fan myself, I find it especially cruel that the Super Bowl comes so soon on the heels of National Signing Day, a reminder of the kind of stupid bullshit that we're all supposed to go bananas over if we're going to make it through the offseason. But if the season's gotta end, it might as well do so with a bang. And this year's Big One promises to be one of the better games we've had in quite a while; hopefully the ads will be, too, because they've kind of stunk the past few years. But either way, it's still a chance for nuts like myself to get together with fellow fans, raise our glasses to the greatest sport in human history, and place a prop bet on something incredibly stupid like whether the national anthem will last longer than two minutes.
The 2012 Winter Olympics (February 12-28) I can sort of sympathize with Kyle King here: The Winter Olympics isn't football. But if you're willing to look past that, it's a lot of other things that are good in their own way -- bobsledding, hockey, people sledding downhill face-first at 80 miles an hour, American athletes flexing nuts at a whole host of different sports, and people from all over the world coming together for purposes other than blowing each other up, which is an unfortunately rare thing these days. And even if there's absolutely nothing else on the schedule that interests you -- not even a bunch of people saying "aboot" -- you can always tune in on the evening of Sunday the 21st to stare at Tanith Belbin (above), medal-winning ice dancer and absolute hottest skater ever. I'm just planting seeds here.
Carnaval (February 13-16) As for the 2016 Olympics, if you're still fuming over Chicago getting snubbed in favor of Rio de Janeiro, consider: Here's what's going on in Chicago right now, while in Rio they're downing caipirinhas and watching women parade down the streets in costumes like the one above. Nothing against Mardi Gras, but Carnaval is maybe the biggest and best party anywhere on the globe -- it's like Mardi Gras, but on steroids, and instead of girls flashing their boobs for beads, the dancers and "samba queens" start out with barely a stitch on, as a matter of course. Eliminating the middleman, like, which is the kind of efficiency we could all learn a lesson from. One of these days I'm going to save up the money to fly down there, with my biggest worry (besides getting mugged) being that I might not come back. (In the meantime, though, perhaps one of you who isn't at work right now can click here and explain the physics of this to me.)
Presidents' Day (February 15) Woo, federal holiday! Which means some of you get the day off! For those of you who don't, well, I don't know what to tell you. Being unemployed, pretty much every day is a day off for me.
"Cop Out" (February 26) Yes, I know: This movie's probably going to be retarded. But it's directed by Kevin Smith, and has Tracy Morgan being, well, Tracy Morgan for a couple hours, so by the end of February I am almost certain I'll be able to turn my brain off for long enough to enjoy it. Besides, this being a notoriously slow time of year for movies, what else are you gonna watch besides this and maybe the Scorsese movie that's coming out? "Valentine's Day"? "The Wolfman"? I think Spencer Hall had the right idea about that last one.
There, see? You now have an itinerary. Don't say I never gave you anything. And now, the Ten:
1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Award Tour" 2. U2, "Gone" 3. Elbow, "Flying Dream" 4. The Chemical Brothers, "The Private Psychedelic Reel" 5. Moby, "Oil 1" 6. The Strokes, "Last Night" 7. The Supremes, "Reflections" 8. Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, "It Takes Two" 9. U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" (Live from Sarajevo) 10. Pet Shop Boys, "Yesterday, When I Was Mad" (Coconut 1 12" mix)
Your own Random Tens and things you're looking forward to this month -- or, alternatively, reasons you'll be ready to jump out in front of a bus before the 28th rolls around -- are welcome in the comments.
The nominees for the 2010 Academy Awards get announced on Tuesday, so it's time for me to make my list of my favorite movies from last year. Not that a lot of these (or any of them) are necessarily going to get mentioned when the Oscar nominations are handed out -- this isn't a list of which movies had the greatest cinematic merit or sweeping societal significance, just a list of the movies I liked the most. (Keep in mind I split 2009 between Birmingham, Alabama, and Columbus, Georgia, so it's not like I got a ton of exposure to any experimental, avant-garde foreign films.)
But with that in mind, here's this week's +5, my Five Favorite Films From Last Year:
5. "Inglourious Basterds" Despite what some people may have tried to tell you, there's nothing particularly complicated, or even particularly meaningful, about this movie. It's a straight-up revenge flick, though there are just enough people trying to get revenge, and with just enough different motivations, to keep things interesting. The acting is excellent across the board, the set design is superb, and a whole bunch of Nazis get bludgeoned, shot up, blown up, or carved into along the way. I'll be honest, after the summer I had, it was kind of a nice release.
4. "The Hangover" My mom asked for this DVD for Christmas, which might give you some idea as to why I turned out the way I did. Anyway, a bunch of people get drunk; a baby gets lost; Mike Tyson sings a Phil Collins song; Zach Galifianakis gets tased in the face; and the weird, socially maladjusted gambling savant character's name is "Doug." That all adds up to a big bowl of awesome, and it was two of the most fun hours I've spent in a theatre in a long time.
3. "Up in the Air" Say what you will about George Clooney, but the guy can act, and this was a role tailor-made for him -- that of Ryan Bingham, a corporate angel of death who's hired to swoop in and put his arm around the shoulders of cowering employees as he tells them they're being downsized. He spends three-quarters of his typical year flying from city to city doing this, but when technology threatens to make this task obsolete, he makes a plaintive case for the need to perform the task with a human touch. Yet that belief in the importance of human connection is completely at odds with his own rootless lifestyle, which is predicated on carrying as little baggage with him as possible -- human or otherwise -- at all times. Watching those two sides converge makes for a fascinating character study, not just of Bingham as an individual but of the country he represents. (Plus it's got Jason Bateman, Danny McBride, and Sam Elliott in it.)
2. "Zombieland" This isn't an especially complicated movie, either, but boy, was it fun. It's the rare post-apocalyptic movie that has the stones to explore the fun side of a complete meltdown of humanity: Sure, you have to defend yourself from bloodthirsty zombies, but in between you get to take whatever you want from stores, shoot guns, crash cars into things, and basically let your id run wild. This was one of those movies that could've lasted twice as long as it did and I still would've been hugely entertained the entire way through, and yes, the celebrity cameo about midway through the movie is every bit as awesome as you've been told and then some.
1. "Watchmen" I'd never read the graphic novel this movie was based on before the film was released, so I wasn't one of those people grousing beforehand about how there was no way to film the novel without completely butchering it. After reading the book, though, I have to say the movie was a pretty faithful interpretation, and what changes the filmmakers made might've actually been improvements. Not that it could've been easy to adapt that storyline, but the movie kept intact nearly all of the critical plot points as well as the themes of absolute power corrupting absolutely and where the line exists between order and despotism. Definitely one of the best superhero movies I've ever seen, maybe right up there with "The Dark Knight."
And the worst movie I saw all of last year: a tie between "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" and "X-Men Origins: Wolverine." If I had to pick, I guess I'd say "Transformers" was the worst of the two, if only because I ended up watching it from the second row of an IMAX theatre. After two and a half hours of that, I needed a stiff drink and a nap. Seriously, Bay, you owe an apology to every American male who raced downstairs on Christmas Day 1984 to find Optimus Prime under the tree. The third movie better be fucking gangbusters, or we're coming after you with torches and pitchforks.
Anyway. The Ten:
1. Pet Shop Boys, "A Red Letter Day" (Motiv 18 12" mastermix) 2. David Holmes, "Tess" 3. Mercury Rev, "In a Funny Way" 4. Foxy Brown, "Letter to the Firm (Holy Matrimony)" 5. Röyksopp, "Sparks" 6. Kraak and Smaak, "Bobby & Whitney" 7. The Dust Brothers, "Finding the Bomb" 8. Fugazi, "Cassavetes" 9. Underworld, "Sola Sistim" 10. Busta Rhymes, "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See"
Feel free to put your own Random Tens and/or top movies of '09 in the comments.
After a protracted holiday-induced absence, the Friday Random Ten+5 is back to say . . . man, 2009 really sucked. I mean, I'm not going to say everything that happened last year was bad, but any year in which I lose my job, get sued, have three back surgeries, have to move back in with my parents, the Dawgs lose five games, and the Redskins go 4-12 is not one I'm likely to look back upon fondly. The year had its isolated bright spots, but on the whole, 2010 almost has to be better by default.
I'm optimistic about this new year, and I'm full of hopes for various things -- obviously including finding a job, getting a new car, the Dawgs hiring a kick-ass defensive coordinator and running roughshod over the rest of the SEC East, that sort of thing -- but I've also got some assorted aspirations and hopes that fall outside those usual sorts of things. These are things that I believe can benefit not just me but all of society, and in the first +5 of 2010, I'm sharing them with you -- Five Things I Hope Happen In The New Year.
The "Arrested Development" movie finally coming to fruition First we were told it was happening. Then we were told nothing was actually happening yet. Then we were told that it's happening, and it has a screenwriter, he just hasn't actually written anything yet. C'mon, guys, make this movie so it can be hilarious and a runaway success and get the TV series re-started on a network that actually appreciates it. Like, what about an NBC Thursday-night lineup including "The Office," "Arrested Development," and "30 Rock"? That's a lineup so awesome it might actually turn Jay Leno at 10:00 funny. Well, OK, that might be setting the bar a bit too high, but we can always hope.
Slovakia making the final four of the World Cup My esteemed countrymen from the glorious sovereign nation of Slovakia have made the cut of 32 for the World Cup this summer, and few things would make me happier than to see them make it into the semifinals. Or into the semifinals (against the USA, of course). If that can't happen, then I want the Slovak hockey team to win the gold medal in the Winter Olympics.
Lego coming out with a James Bond series They already have Star Wars figures who carry guns of some type, not to mention the "Agents" series, in which many of the minifigs are armed as well. Why not go all the way and introduce a James Bond series to tie in with the next Bond film, due to start filming later this year? They could make the tricked-out Aston Martin from "Goldfinger," the bad guy's secret under-lake satellite base from "Goldeneye," the two airplanes from the shootout in "Quantum of Solace," the possibilities are endless. (Just leave "Die Another Day" out of it. That one sucked.)
Joe Lieberman being eaten by something Wolves, bears, giant irradiated scorpions, zombie Ted Kennedy, I'm really not partial. I just want his sanctimonious ass off my TV.
A huge nationwide backlash against the Twilight franchise Baby sis has already expounded upon why the Twilight book series is not only appallingly poorly written but also in danger of making our young girls believe some horrible, horrible things about men and relationships, and done it better than I could, so I'll stay away from the literary criticism. All I will say is that pre-teen girls are by and large the dumbest demographic in the entire human race -- it's almost like they start devolving around age 10 and don't catch back up with where they're suppposed to be until 17 or 18 -- so anything pre-teen girls like that much almost has to be idiotic by default. And while I have no doubt that the Twilight fad will burn itself out in due time (if nothing else can kill the franchise, the inevitably godawful adaptation of the final book in the series will), I'm praying that our nation comes to its meager senses before then. It just makes me sad, going into a theatre to see a good movie and having to wade through a line of teenage girls and middle-aged housewives about to live vicariously through this idiotic romance as an escape from their own shitty relationships. New rule: If you're an adult male married to a woman who would go see "Twilight" un-ironically under any circumstances, you are entitled to as many extramarital affairs as it takes to blot out that fact, however fleetingly. I really hope that if there are intelligent civilizations in other solar systems, they wait until after this fad has burned itself out to come visit us, because I don't want them thinking Stephanie Meyer was somehow the pinnacle of culture in our civilization or anything.
Those are mine . . . and Holly has one to add: "For Tim Tebow to tank at the combine, fall to 26th or wherever in the first round of the draft so that the Cowboys pick him up, he has a terrible first half of the season and announces after only eight weeks that he's retiring from football, and thus the Cowboys have lost their first-round pick and Tebow's a pussy."
Wow. That's pretty specific . . . specific and hilarious.
Anyway, here's the Ten:
1. Hard-Fi, "Hard to Beat" (Axwell mix) 2. Pet Shop Boys, "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind of Thing" (Voxigen mix) 3. Busta Rhymes, "So Hardcore" 4. 3rd Bass, "Triple Stage Darkness" 5. The Who, "A Quick One While He's Away" 6. The Dust Brothers, "This Is Your Life" 7. Patton Oswalt, "'80s Metal" 8. A Tribe Called Quest, "Start It Up" 9. LL Cool J, "Mama Said Knock You Out" 10. Roni Size and Reprazent, "Brown Paper Bag" (Photek remix)
Feel free to place your own Random Tens and/or wishes for the new year -- be they hopeful, magnanimous, vindictive, filthy, or some combination of any of those -- in the comments.
A couple weeks ago I went to see the movie "2012" as the guest of dear Holly, and it was an impressive spectacle, at least -- some of the best CGI/special effects I've ever seen (though I hope for their sakes the screenwriting team got paid by the word). Anyway, the conceit is fairly simple -- turns out the Mayans were right about the planet being rocked by cataclysmic events in the year 2012 and humanity has to scramble to avoid being swallowed up by earthquakes, blown up by volcanoes, or washed away by mile-high tsunamis. Toward the end of the movie -- and here's where the SPOILER ALERTS! come in -- they have to find their way to a group of "arks" that the world's major governments have constructed in tunnels beneath the Himalayas so that humanity (and at least two of every other species) can ride out the earthquake-triggered tsunamis and eventually find their way to dry land to re-start civilization.
Pretty terrifying, no? If it turns out the Mayans are right and all that shit really is going to happen, then I'm screwed, because I don't think for one minute that I have the cash or the importance to humanity to work my way onto one of the arks. But some people will, and it's in the best interest of the human race for those people to have some kind of value or talents so that our dramatically scaled-back civilization doesn't just crumble into the global equivalent of a first-grade classroom, with some people fighting and pulling each other's hair and others just sitting off in the corner and eating paste. No, we're going to need our best and brightest (not to mention toughest) people to lead the human race into the next phase of history, and this week's +5 is a short list of suggestions -- Five People Who Should Be Able To Ride The Arks To Safety If "2012" Ever Actually Happens.
Natalie Portman Gorgeous and Harvard-educated. This is the kind of material we need to be preserving for Earth's decimated gene pool. Particularly when wastes of space like Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag (no to mention that couple who crashed the Obama state dinner) are probably going to be attempting every trick in the book to buy their way onto the ark and infect the weakened human race with their foul attention-whoring seed.
Patton Oswalt Patton, I think, is the first person to ever get a mention in two consecutive +5s, but he's earned it. He's also earned a spot on the ark, as he'd keep everybody riotously entertained while we all try to figure out how we're going to rebuild our ravaged society -- and if you've ever heard any of his stand-up routines you can tell he's thought a lot about the coming apocalypse and what happens when the human race devolves into Thunderdome, and I think he'd have some valuable advice to offer.
Bill Clinton Say what you will about his time as president, he's someone who's devoted a lot of his life to humanitarian causes and might be that person we'd desperately need to show leadership and guide us to re-forming into some kind of functioning society. More importantly, though, we'd need to not just rebuild but also repopulate the planet, and I can't think of anyone better suited (or more eager) for the task. Plus if you've ever seen a movie about a major all-life-on-planet-Earth-threatening disaster, you know we need a black president, and by all accounts Bill was the first one.
Nick Saban I know I'm gonna catch hell for this, but when humanity regroups and begins the difficult task of rebuilding itself, we're gonna need some hardasses. And if Bill Clinton plays the part of the inspirational, idealistic good cop, then the bad cop can be Nick Saban, who is trying to hold together a goddamn civilized society and DOESN'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT. Oh, you were worn down by all the global tragedy you've just witnessed and thought you'd take a minute to relax with a cup of tea and one of the books we'd been able to save from total destruction? Oh, you take all the time you need, Alice, I'll just be over here TRYING TO RE-START THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF AGRICULTURE SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO HUNT AND GATHER FOR THE NEXT TEN THOUSAND YEARS. But you go ahead, yours is way more important.
Pam Grier If you saw her in "Coffy" or "Foxy Brown," back in the 1970s, you know she was hot and a major ass-kicker; if you saw her more recently in "Jackie Brown" or any of her episodes of "Smallville" or "The L Word," you know she's still hot, and still a major ass-kicker. I could see her serving as the enforcer for the Clinton/Saban political axis, preferably wearing something like this whilst doing so. "You just handle the justice, and I'll handle the revenge myself."
And here's the Ten:
1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Get a Hold" 2. The Pixies, "Tame" 3. A Tribe Called Quest, "Award Tour" 4. A Tribe Called Quest, "Rhythm (Devoted to the Art of Moving Butts)" 5. Big Audio Dynamite II, "Green Grass" 6. R.E.M., "The Apologist" 7. Texas, "Saint" 8. New Radicals, "You Get What You Give" 9. The Pixies, "Silver" 10. Pet Shop Boys, "DJ Culturemix"
Apparently my iPod is trying to tell me that A Tribe Called Quest and the Pixies should get spots on the ark, too. OK, they all get to come.
Your turn -- throw your own Random Tens and/or candidates for seats on the humanity-preserving ark in the comments.
After a moving/family-gathering-induced one-week hiatus, the Cage Match is back with a matchup I'm surprised I didn't think of before now: Actor/comedian Billy Crystal vs. commentator/editor Bill Kristol. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure Kristol has more "Daily Show" appearances under his belt, but it remains to be seen how well he'll hold his own in the other categories.
Billy Crystal
Bill Kristol
Early years
Performed regularly at The Improv, then got the role of gay ventriloquist Jodie Dallas on "Soap"
Taught politics at a couple of Ivy League schools, then got the role of chief of staff to Reagan's secretary of education
WINNER: Crystal
Big break
Joined the cast of "Saturday Night Live" in 1984
Founded The Weekly Standard in 1994
WINNER: Crystal
Best known for
Repeated appearances as host of the Academy Awards
Repeated appearances on every political talk show you can think of
Last season: After all the turmoil on the Plains last season, it's almost hard to remember they were knocking on the door of the top 10 in the preseason rankings and started 4-1, but the writing seemed to be on the wall with respect to Tony Franklin's newly installed spread offense after the legendary 3-2 win at Mississippi State and a sluggish 14-12 win over equally offensively challenged Tennessee. The week after the UT win, Auburn lost by a point at Vandy and showed Franklin the door; they proceeded to win only one game the rest of the season, a 37-20 victory over DI-AA Tennessee-Martin. Closed out the year with a 36-0 thrashing from Alabama, their first loss to the Crimson Tide in seven seasons, and finished the year 5-7 (2-6 SEC), next-to-last in the Western Division, bowlless, and unranked. Tommy Tuberville "resigned" four days after the loss to Bama.
This season: Despite spending nearly the entire off-season getting cackled at by the rest of the SEC for having hired Gene "5-19" Chizik to replace Tuberville, Auburn blazed into the season with a 5-0 start and crept as high as 17th in the AP poll before going on a three-game skid against Arkansas, Kentucky, and LSU. Got back on track with back-to-back home wins over Ole Miss and Furman; still sitting just outside the AP rankings but made it to 25th in the coaches' poll. Currently 7-3, 3-3 in the SEC.
Hate index, 1 being Oscar Meyer, 10 being Urban Meyer: Four. I've made too many really good friends of the Auburn persuasion -- and dated far too many Auburn coeds/alumnae -- to gin up the same kind of hate for them that, say, Kyle King has. Then again, a three-year winning streak over a given rival will do that. If we lose to them this weekend, this shit's back up to eight or nine, depending on how dickish they are about it.
Associated hottie: Anyone scratching their head as to why I'd be so stuck on Auburn girls need only view cheerleader Kristin Ellington as a representative example of the female talent on the Plains. In my experience, at least, Auburn is one of the few places that can completely hold their own with Georgia, Ole Miss, and Alabama in that category. Tigers, I salute thee:
What excites me: Call me crazy, but the stars (some of them, at least) seem to be aligning for a big showing by the Georgia offense this weekend -- which would be our first meaningful offensive explosion since unloading 52 on the Razorbacks in Fayetteville a couple months ago. First off, Stacy Searels finally seems to have found a workable combination on the offensive line, and Washaun Ealey has looked better and better running behind it; between him and Caleb King, Georgia should be able to switch up the pace fairly effectively and run right at the nation's 93d-ranked rushing defense. The addition of some "Wild Dawg" formations involving Branden Smith taking some direct snaps should be another wrinkle for Auburn to contend with.
That should open things up for Joe Cox, who gets A.J. Green back for this game, thank God. Even the improving running game didn't provide much cover for Cox against the superb pass defenses of Vanderbilt and Florida, so one would be wise to temper expectations here, but Auburn's young secondary has been hit hard by injuries of late; their two starting safeties will be a true freshman (Darren Bates) and a sophomore playing only his second game at safety (Demond Washington). Even if Ted Roof's defense blankets A.J. -- which all reports indicate he will -- Cox might have some success throwing mid-range passes over the middle to guys like Tavarres King, Orson Charles, or Aron White.
Finally, Georgia has some big advantages on special teams, starting with the punting game -- Drew Butler continues to lead the nation in punting with nearly 50 yards per kick, while Auburn's punt-return unit is the nation's seventh-worst, averaging just 3.75 yards per return. So if we have to punt it away, we at least stand to hold our ground in the field-position battle. Auburn has also struggled to defend kickoffs (101st in the nation, allowing 23.7 yards per return) and punts (83rd, 10.8), so there's reason to hold out hope for another big runback from Brandon Boykin this weekend.
That was fun, wasn't it? Let's see if Boykin can make it a hat trick.
What worries me: And I, for one, will be happy to take our points however we can get them, because we'll need them to keep up with Auburn's spread attack. After the dismal stretch against Arkansas, Kentucky, and LSU, in which he completed just half his passes for 260 total yards, no TDs, and two picks, Chris Todd has bounced back in his last two games against Ole Miss and Furman; the Tiger running game remained fairly strong even through the midseason skid. Gus Malzahn is sure to keep the pace brisk and to employ many of the same kinds of play-action and misdirection plays that Tennessee murdered us with a month ago, and one dominating performance against a lousy I-AA outfit isn't enough to give me confidence that Willie Martinez has somehow figured out how to defend them.
Of all the miraculous changes that have taken place on the Plains since Tommy Tuberville left town, the transformation of Chris Todd from noodle-armed schlub to confident assassin has probably been the most amazing. Yes, he had that awful midseason stretch, and yes, his biggest games have come at home against defenses one would not exactly describe as impregnable. But Malzahn has found a way to use Todd very effectively, picking away at defenses with exactly the same kind of short-to-medium passes that both Stephen Garcia and Jonathan Crompton stuck with until they'd become two of only four QBs ever to pass for more than 300 yards against a Mark Richt defense. I don't know if Todd will become the fifth, but I gotta say it wouldn't surprise me, unless either our D-line manages to penetrate an Auburn offensive front that's allowed only 12 sacks all season or our secondary gets loads, loads, loads better. (Perhaps by starting Bacarri Rambo this week? Oh, silly me, I was assuming Martinez might start players based on actual on-the-field production rather than mere seniority. Won't happen again, I assure you.)
"Bacarri? Oh, I put him over there. Really ties the sideline together, don't you think?"
Intangibles? Well, Auburn's last two head coaches managed to beat Georgia in their first year on the Plains, and Tommy Tuberville managed to do it in a night game in Athens with a team that would finish the year just 5-6; I hope I don't need to remind anyone what a nightmare that was. There's also the matter of the old "home-field disadvantage" in this series, which has involved the road team winning or tying 24 of the last 33 games and 13 of the last 17. The home and visiting teams have split the last six, so it's possible that this weird semi-curse might be petering out a bit, but be that as it may, Auburn's 12 wins in their last 16 visits are generally enough to induce heartburn in the Georgia fanbase every time mid-November rolls around in an odd-numbered year.
Player who needs to have a big game: CB Brandon Boykin. Brandon? Doug Gillett here. Hey, remember those two kickoff returns you had for TDs against South Carolina and Tennessee? Well, we're gonna need a bunch of points against Auburn this weekend, so if you could dial up another one of those that'd be great. Wait, wait, I'm not done. You're one of the few people in our secondary who seem to have any idea what the hell is going on at any given moment, so I'm gonna need you to have an awesome day on defense, too. We don't seem to be doing a real job of having anybody within five yards of intended receivers on pass plays -- yeah, yeah, I know, we're gonna have a long talk with Coach Martinez about that -- so if you could just give us a hand there, that'd be great too. Mmmkay? Terrific. And I'll get you another copy of that memo.
What does it all mean? I don't believe "gobsmacked" is too strong a word for my reaction upon finding out that Georgia opened as a five-point favorite in this game (since ratcheted down to four and a half, depending on which handicapper you ask). Georgia's only two wins in the last month and a half have been over the consensus worst team in the SEC and a DI-AA team that isn't even all that competitive in DI-AA; we've been demonstrating slow, incremental improvement in a few areas, particularly on offense, but nothing that has yet made a difference against a credible opponent. Perhaps the oddsmakers know something I don't, and that would be fine with me.
But here's what I do know: I know I have almost zero confidence in Willie Martinez's ability to successfully outscheme Auburn's offense, which, even after last month's embarrassing three-game skid, is still ranked 11th in the nation (and second in the SEC) with 35 points per game. I've read a number of different descriptions of how Gus Malzahn is likely to game-plan this weekend's contest, and the number of times I've seen comparisons to Tennessee's scheme is frankly terrifying. Our run defense has been pretty solid, but just happens to match up with the relatively unheralded strength of Auburn's offense, a running game that's ranked 10th in the nation (230 yards per game); the less said about our pass defense, meanwhile, the better. Three years ago, a Georgia team floundering every bit as badly as this year's (remember, at least we managed to beat Vandy this time around) headed to Auburn and inexplicably blew the doors off a Tiger team ranked fifth in the nation, so there is a precedent for the Dawgs making a big (and completely unexpected) turnaround just in time for this game. But I don't know that I can bring myself to bet on that kind of lightning striking twice against the same opponent.
Where have you gone, Tra Battle? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
Here's what does give me hope: If Georgia can pull some offensive tricks out of its ass, maybe spring Brandon Boykin for a big return or two, and hang with Auburn on the scoreboard through the first half, we've got a chance. This weekend, the Tigers will be playing their 11th straight Saturday without a bye, so they're bound to be tired, and the lack of defensive depth that I heard some people fretting about in the preseason is only going to be that much bigger a factor. You've seen it reflected on the scoreboard already: Over their last seven games, Auburn's opponents have collectively scored 37 points in the first quarter and second quarter, 55 in the third, and a whopping 67 in the second. The thing that first tipped me to this trend was Furman scoring 28 of their 31 points after halftime, and even then my first reaction was "Whatever, it was Furman" -- but War Blog Eagle mastermind and Five for Slive partner-in-crime Jerry Hinnen (whose half of our Georgia-Auburn Q&A exchange will go up here later on today) has assured me that the Auburn defense's habit of running out of gas in the second half has become a real worry. Sixteen points in the fourth quarter to Tennessee (nearly allowing the Vols to come back and win the thing), fourteen in the fourth quarter to Kentucky (which did allow them to come back and win) -- maybe this thing is going to be a real game for four whole quarters after all.
Even then, though, I'm still just not confident in our defense's ability to make the critical late stops against Malzahn's offense. Nor am I confident that we'll come out ahead in the turnover margin. Joe Cox was pick-free against Tennessee Tech last week, but he's still thrown at least one interception to every DI-A opponent we've faced in 2009; Chris Todd, meanwhile, has thrown only three picks all season, two of them coming in the midseason skid that he's given every indication of having steered out of. Overall, Auburn is only so-so in that category with a modest +4 margin on the year, but Georgia continues to be godawful, next-to-last in the country, in fact, at a stunning -16. You think we're gonna manage to cough up a few to Auburn this weekend? Yeah, me too. We appear to have cured our early-season fumble-itis, at least -- after coughing up seven fumbles in the first four games, we've only lost one in the past five -- but I'm still steeling myself for at least a couple of our passes to end up in the wrong team's hands.
Red jerseys ours, white jerseys theirs. Red jerseys ours, white jerseys . . .
Somehow I see this game following a script similar to the one for the South Carolina, Arkansas, and Arizona State games early in the season: Early turnover puts Georgia in the hole, offense shakes it off, we hang with the Tigers for the next three quarters. But a late turnover seals the deal for the Tigers. The final score should look very South Carolina-esque, only this time I don't think we end up on the side with the bigger number. I think we'll get a good day from Cox and an even better one from the running game; I just don't think it's going to be enough to overcome the inevitable evisceration of Willie Martinez's soft zone.
But again, maybe the guys in the back rooms in Vegas know something I don't; as my picks record on EDSBS this year should indicate, they usually do. This time around, nothing would make me happier.
If you're trash-talking: It all starts with "three in a row, bitches," doesn't it? Some reference to "5-19 Gene" is also in order, I'm sure.
But should you get a "War Damn Eagle" from an Auburn zealot, instead of trash-talking them back, I think it's time you sat down and had a conversation with them. A conversation about the finer points of swearing. The "War Damn Eagle" cry has always rubbed me the wrong way because "damn" isn't one of those curse words you can just drop in between any two words you please, like "fuckin'." Here's a scene from one of the greatest Mafia movies of all time, "Goodfellas":
Jimmy Conway: What's the fuckin' matter with you? What -- what is the fuckin' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Tommy, Tommy, I'm kidding with you. What the fuck are you doin'? What are you, a fuckin' sick maniac?
Tommy DeVito: How am I meant to know you're kidding? What you mean, you're kidding? You breaking my fuckin' balls?
Jimmy Conway: I'm fuckin' kidding with you! You fuckin' shoot the guy?
Henry Hill: He's dead.
Tommy DeVito: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Fuckin' rat anyway. His family's all rats. He'll grow up to be a rat.
Jimmy Conway: You stupid bastard, I can't fuckin' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the fuckin' thing now. You're gonna dig the hole. You're gonna do it. I got no fuckin' lime. You're gonna do it.
Tommy DeVito: Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the fuckin' hole. I don't give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll fuckin' dig a hole. Where are the shovels?
Nicholas Pileggi and Martin Scorsese received a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar nomination (among others) for that flick, but here's how an Auburn fan would've written it:
Jimmy Conway: What's the damn matter with you? What -- what is the damn matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Tommy, Tommy, I'm kidding with you. What the damn are you doin'? What are you, a damn sick maniac?
Tommy DeVito: How am I meant to know you're kidding? What you mean, you're kidding? You breaking my damn balls?
Jimmy Conway: I'm damn kidding with you! You damn shoot the guy?
Henry Hill: He's dead.
Tommy DeVito: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Damn rat anyway. His family's all rats. He'll grow up to be a rat.
Jimmy Conway: You stupid bastard, I can't damn believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the damn thing now. You're gonna dig the hole. You're gonna do it. I got no damn lime. You're gonna do it.
Tommy DeVito: Who the damn cares? I'll dig the damn hole. I don't give a damn. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll damn dig a hole. Where are the shovels?
That just sounds retarded. Auburn fans, step up your cursing game. You're in the SEC, for fuck's sake.
I will run up and down the street in front of my house wearing nothing but a Georgia flag wrapped about my nether regions if: Georgia wins, period. Vegas thinks we're better than Auburn? Might as well prove 'em right, then. That would make us bowl-eligible (woo!) and send our seniors out as the first class since 1948 to graduate without ever having lost to the Tigers. Both of these things I will gladly take.
To the relief of Gator fans and ESPN narrative scribes everywhere, Tim Tebow walked out of a Lexington hospital yesterday after having sustained a concussion on a bone-rattling hit from a Kentucky defender Saturday evening. No word on whether any gashes in his head miraculously healed up before the doctors' eyes, or whether he was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair or simply ascended into the sky and was transported back to Gainesville as if by the hand of God, but either way, I give the kid credit for being tough. How tough, though, is something that has to be measured with an objective eye. And I can think of no better way to do that than with a Monday Morning Cage Match: Tebow vs. Deebo.
Tim Tebow
Deebo
Occupation
Quarterback
Neighborhood bully/jacker
WINNER: Tebow
Burst onto the scene by
The "jump pass" against ninth-ranked LSU in 2006, in addition to nine rushes for 35 yards and a TD
Beating up Red at a dice game and taking his bike
WINNER: Tebow
Most famous quote
“To the fans, the Gator Nation, I’m sorry. Extremely sorry. But I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come from this. You will never see a player, in the entire country, play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season. And you will never see a team play harder than we will play the rest of the season. God bless.”
"THAT'S MY BIKE, PUNK!!!!"
WINNER: Deebo
Ever knocked anyone out?
Not to my knowledge
Yes
WINNER: Deebo
Ever been knocked out?
Yes
Yes
WINNER: Tie
Greatest victory
2008 BCS National Championship Game win over Oklahoma
Successfully stealing $200 from Stanley's house and not having to share
WINNER: Tebow
Fellated by
Fox Sports announcer Thom Brennaman
Debbie's sister Felicia
WINNER: Tie
FINAL SCORE: Tebow 5, Deebo 4. Deebo may be a formidable opponent, but I don't think anyone's life was ever all that much improved by spending five minutes with him.
