Profiles in just not giving a crap anymore.

I assure you this is real:



That's right: Chan Gailey, whitest man in America, innovative architect of "Chan Gailey Equilibrium," and offensive coordinator who was fired last year after three preseason games -- that's right, not even regular-season games, preseason games -- with the Kansas City Chiefs, has been hired to be the head coach of something. In this case, "something" is the Buffalo Bills, a New York-based charitable organization that provides work opportunities for mediocre, washed-up football coaches, in addition to frequently fielding a professional football team.

I have conflicted emotions about this. On the one hand, I am bitterly disappointed to see that Gailey didn't return to the college level and end up at any of Georgia's arch-rivals who were hunting for head or assistant coaches over the past few weeks. (Gailey attended the University of Florida and was a grad assistant there in the mid-'70s; why, oh why did they not see fit to bring him home?) On the other hand, it put a lot of things in perspective for me, as a lifelong Washington Redskins fan, vis-á-vis Daniel Snyder's almost uniformly atrocious ownership. The guy's an idiot, no doubt, but at least he never seriously (to my knowledge) considered hiring Chan Gailey.

So even though I stopped doing the Monday Morning Cage Match a couple months back just because I got kind of bored with it, it seems like the perfect way of determining which coaching hire was more inexplicable: the Chanster to the Bills, or Lane Kiffin to the USC Trojans. Both decisions are redolent with apathy, the actions of managers who for whatever reason lost all hope of being able to hire someone good and were content to simply throw a contract through the car window of the first guy who actually expressed any interest in the job -- actually, in Gailey's case, the hiring was so surrender-riffic that they probably just text-messaged him a contract, but whatever. Using an expanded version of the Cage Match, we shall determine which of the two hires was more embarrassing: Let the Gailey-Kiffin battle royale begin!

EXPERIENCE
You name it, Chan Gailey has coached it, from the lower college divisions to DI-A to the NFL to the World League of American Football, whatever the hell that was. He's only spent two years as an NFL head coach, but he does have 13 years as an offensive assistant, including four Super Bowl appearances.	Thirteen years total as a coach at any level -- well, make that 12.25: He was fired a quarter of the way through his second season with the Oakland Raiders. And actually, you might want to scale that back even further, because I think one of those years was as a grad assistant, and another was a year spent as a "quality control assistant" with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Yeah, ha-ha, very funny, you got coffee for Tom Coughlin. Stop trying to make it something it wasn't, Lane. Then again, he was the offensive coordinator for Southern Cal during the 2005 season, when the Trojans averaged 49 points and 579 yards per game, so there's that.
MORE EMBARRASSING: Kiffin

RECORD
That "Chan Gailey Equilibrium" thing? Oh, it's real. In 13 years as a head coach at various levels, Gailey has assembled an aggregate record of 98-63-1, which averages out to 7.54 wins and 4.85 losses per season. (And 0.08 ties, but come on, you just know he's gonna find a way to tie someone at least once in the NFL.) He is the Toyota Camry of head coaches: satisfactory, dependable, he'll get you from point A to point B ("point B" in this case being the Humanitarian Bowl), but you will never, ever be remotely enthused or invigorated while he does so.	In 20 games with the Raiders and 13 with the Vols, Kiffin is 12-21. Yes, the USC Trojans just hired a guy who's nine games under .500, lifetime. He'll have to go at least 11-2 with the Trojans this season just to get to .500. And as much derision as has been heaped on his UT successor, Derek Dooley, in various corners of the blogosphere, not only is Dooley's 17-20 record better than Kiffin's was when Kiffin first came to Knoxville, it's better than Kiffin's now.
MORE EMBARRASSING: Kiffin

PERFORMANCE AT MOST RECENT JOB
In 2007, the Kansas City Chiefs were 19th in the NFL in passing, dead last in rushing, and next-to-last in total offense; they finished 4-12. In 2008, Gailey's first year as offensive coordinator, they were 18th in passing, 16th in rushing, and . . . seventh-worst in total offense. And they went 2-14. Progress! At any rate, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley was unimpressed enough with Gailey's performance that he saw fit to fire him after just three preseason games the following year. Yeah, I'm gonna repeat that as many times as it takes to sink in.	Went 7-6 at Tennessee, which is considerably less than what most Vol fans expect but better than the team's 5-7 record the season before he arrived. The Vols blew Georgia and South Carolina off the field, got jackhammered by Ole Miss and Virginia Tech, and played agonizingly close games against top-five Florida and Alabama teams that they had no real business staying within three touchdowns of; an average season in pretty much every respect.
MORE EMBARRASSING: Gailey

RECOMMENDED BY
Bill Cowher. Wait, what? Yeah, apparently the Bills went to Cowher to try to lure him to Buffalo, and he said no but suggested his former offensive coordinator from the Steelers. Wow. Cowher is a guy that at least 30 NFL teams would sell their mothers into white slavery to get, so his word means a lot here. So much that it actually counteracts a recommendation from Jerry Jones, who reportedly said he "regretted" having fired Gailey back in 1999. (Actually, since Jer-bear ended up replacing Gailey with Dave Campo, perhaps his regret is sincere.)	Ummm . . . his dad?
MORE EMBARRASSING: Kiffin

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT
Took the Cowboys to the playoffs in both of his years in Dallas, including his first year as the NFC East champions. (Even if he did proceed to lose in the first round of the playoffs that year and hand the Arizona Cardinals their first playoff victory in 50 years.)	We could say the moral victory against Urban Meyer and the Florida Gators, the equally moral victory against eventual national champion Alabama, but those aren't actual wins. We know what the biggest win of Tennessee's 2009 season was, and it was the prison-shower cornholing they gave to my Georgia Bulldogs up in Knoxville. In retrospect, that might have been the best humiliating beatdown we ever had -- I have to think it accelerated the dismissal of defensive coordinator Willie Martinez and two other defensive assistants who hadn't been getting anything done -- but that doesn't change the fact that, at the time, I wanted to disembowel myself and strangle myself with my own entrails.
MORE EMBARRASSING: Kiffin

WORST FAILURE
Aside from getting shitcanned in the preseason, it'd have to be losing to Georgia all six years of his tenure at Georgia Tech. That losing streak was arguably set into motion by the loss he suffered in his first year with the Yellow Jackets, a 51-7 napalming in which the intimidation was visible in his team's eyes almost from the moment the Dawgs put their first points on the board. From then on, you could almost set your watch by the point Gailey's Jackets would crap their pants against the Bulldogs (though, in his defense, Reggie Ball obviously had a lot to do with that).	Probably getting curb-stomped by Virginia Tech in the Chick-fil-A Bowl, which closed out Kiffin's first and only season. A Hokie offense that struggled to score on East Carolina a couple months earlier went apeshit on the Volunteer defense, winning 37-14 and handing the Vols their sixth straight loss in the Georgia Dome. (Seriously, y'all, just don't play there anymore. You're like the character in the horror movie who goes back upstairs even though it's obvious to anyone with half a brain that they're about to be sliced up like prosciutto.)
MORE EMBARRASSING: Gailey

SPECIAL SKILLS AND/OR QUALIFICATIONS
Well, if Chan Gailey Equilibrium continues to hold in Buffalo, a 7-5 season in college should equate to, oh, let's say a 9-7 season in the NFL. Since the league went to 32 teams in 2002, nine wins gives you just under a 40% chance of making the playoffs -- which, actually, is probably an improvement for the Bills, now that I think about it.	Ruthless recruiter. Also has a fairly hot wife.
MORE EMBARRASSING: Gailey

CONCLUSION: USC's hiring of Lane Kiffin is actually more embarrassing than the Bills' hiring of Chan Gailey. Congratulations, USC: Buffalo hired a coach whose very name has become synonymous with mediocrity and the bare minimum in terms of acceptable achievement -- the "wearing only 15 pieces of flair" of football coaches, if you will -- and yet all available evidence indicates that it was still a smarter move than bringing Lane Kiffin back to Los Angeles. This may seem hard to fathom right now, but in three years, when the Bills are patting themselves on the back for another 8-8 season while the Trojans anxiously fret over whether recruiting violations will keep them from accepting the EagleBank Bowl bid that's otherwise rightfully theirs, you will see that I was right.

Monday Morning Cage Match XXII:City Slicker vs. Shitty Predictor.

After a moving/family-gathering-induced one-week hiatus, the Cage Match is back with a matchup I'm surprised I didn't think of before now: Actor/comedian Billy Crystal vs. commentator/editor Bill Kristol. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure Kristol has more "Daily Show" appearances under his belt, but it remains to be seen how well he'll hold his own in the other categories.

	Billy Crystal	Bill Kristol
Early years	Performed regularly at The Improv, then got the role of gay ventriloquist Jodie Dallas on "Soap"	Taught politics at a couple of Ivy League schools, then got the role of chief of staff to Reagan's secretary of education
WINNER: Crystal
Big break	Joined the cast of "Saturday Night Live" in 1984	Founded The Weekly Standard in 1994
WINNER: Crystal
Best known for	Repeated appearances as host of the Academy Awards	Repeated appearances on every political talk show you can think of
WINNER: Tie
Biggest mistake	"Fathers' Day"/"My Giant"	Full-throated support for the Iraq War
WINNER: Crystal (but not by much)
Attempt at a comeback	"Analyze This"/"Monsters, Inc."	Full-throated support for Sarah Palin as John McCain's 2008 running mate
WINNER: Crystal
How'd that work out?	Good reviews and more than $700 million in worldwide grosses	First Democratic president in eight years
WINNER: Kristol
Sage wisdom	"No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."	"[Saddam Hussein]'s got weapons of mass destruction . . . Look, if we free the people of Iraq we will be respected in the Arab world."
WINNER: Crystal

FINAL SCORE: Billy Crystal 6, Bill Kristol 2. Lesson: It is better to be unfunny some of the time than to be wrong all of the time.

Monday Morning Cage Match XXI:The Battle of Georgia commences.

So the big move went off more or less without a hitch, and here I am, back in Columbus, Georgia, occupying space at my parents' house and charging full speed ahead into the process of trying to figure out what to do next. I suppose I can fool somebody into offering me a job eventually, but for right now I guess I'm kind of like the unemployed, living-with-my-parents version of Don Draper from "Mad Men."

Living at home and desperately searching for work is, with all due respect to my fine parents, not quite where I'd hoped to end up at age 31. But there is something comforting about being back in the familiar, warm embrace of Columbus, Georgia, where most of the front license plates bear the UGA logo as opposed to Alabama or Auburn and the civic corruption has a lean, efficient air of professionalism that Birmingham just hasn't mastered yet. To some extent that warm embrace is kind of like the illusory feeling of warmth you get right before you fall asleep and die of hypothermia, but I'm going to try not to think about anything quite that morbid for the time being. Instead, it's time to take stock of my new (or at least certified pre-owned) surroundings and compare my home state to the other entity claiming its name: State of Georgia vs. Former Soviet Republic of Georgia. Lets git 'er done, or as they might say in Tbilisi, სამაგიეროს მისი გადახდა:

	(State of) Georgia	(Republic of) Georgia
Founded	January 2, 1788	April 9, 1991
WINNER: State
Land area	59,425 sq. mi.	26,916 sq. mi.
WINNER: State
Population	9,685,744	4,260,000
WINNER: State
Ever been invaded by Russia?	No	Yes
WINNER: State
Ever been dominated by Florida?	(sigh) Yes	No
WINNER: Republic
Folk hero	Herschel Walker, Heisman Trophy winner	Kakutsa Cholokashvili, leader of the guerrilla resistance against the Bolshevik regime in the 1920s
WINNER: Tie
Representative cuisine	Barbecue, chicken fingers, beer	Muzhuzhi, khinkali dumplings, homemade vodka
WINNER: State

FINAL SCORE: State of Georgia 6, Republic of Georgia 2. Nothing against our namesake neighbors to the east, but this one wasn't really close.

Monday Morning Cage Match XX:A very special 20th anniversary Cage Match in which I try to keep from having to pack up my apartment.

If my blogging schedule is a little spotty over the next few days, it's because I'm going to be spending most of this week packing up all the stuff in my apartment, moving it down to Columbus, and then unloading it into a storage unit. I had no idea how much I'd be dreading this until the time came to actually do it. It's been seven years since I've had to move anywhere, which is bad for two reasons: One, I've gotten that much more used to being planted in one place and not having to go anywhere, and two, I've had that much more time to accrue loads of crap that I don't even know why I have but still have to figure out what to do with. Maybe my job search really needs to be centering on careers such as "monk" or "backwoods loner who lives in a cabin and eschews the technological trappings of modern-day life." You know, like what the Unabomber did only without the killing and maiming people.

At any rate, while I've been in the midst of all this, I also managed to pick up some kind of illness last week, nothing serious and I'm feeling lots better now, though I did wonder if maybe I'd managed to pick up swine flu on the way back from Texas or something. Lord knows, I was around enough pork products at the Texas State Fair that if I were ever going to get swine flu, that'd be the logical place to do so. Anyway, being sick turned out to actually be a nice reprieve from the stress of moving -- I got to sleep all day and have people bring me aspirin and beverages without having to pack shit up in boxes and haul everything down two flights of stairs. It got me to thinking, could swine flu actually be preferable to having to move? And I know that's a lame-ass conceit for a Cage Match, but it's Monday morning and I'm looking for ways to procrastinate and not have to resume the packing-up process, so here you go, schmucks -- Moving vs. Swine Flu.

	Moving	Swine flu
Early signs	Losing one's job, rent going up	Body aches, fatigue, upper respiratory congestion
WINNER: Swine flu
Recommended course of action	Throwing away a bunch of your useless shit and putting the rest into boxes	Stay home, drink plenty of fluids, and sleep
WINNER: Swine flu
Physical fatigue	Considerable	Considerable
WINNER: Tie
What your friends say	"Let me know if you need help packing anything up"	"Wow, I hope you feel better"
WINNER: Moving
What they mean	"I'll help you if you call me and ask, but I'm really hoping you don't call me"	"Stay the hell away from me until you're no longer contagious, and probably three or four days after that, just in case"
WINNER: Moving
Approximate cost	At least $500	$10 worth of O.J. and aspirin and a few days off work
WINNER: Swine flu
End result	Living with your parents (OK, maybe that's just me)	Completely recovered without any long-term side effects
WINNER: Swine flu

FINAL SCORE: Swine flu 5, moving 3. So in the end, it really is better to get hit with swine flu than to have to move somewhere. Unless "somewhere" is "the Virgin Islands." Which, in my case, it clearly isn't.

Monday Morning Cage Match XIX:Bubbles, balloons, and buffoons.

By now we've all heard about the little boy whom everyone thought had flown halfway across Colorado in a homemade balloon, only to find that the whole thing was a hoax perpetrated by the kid's cravenly self-promoting dicklick of a father. Thus the "Balloon Boy" is almost sure to become a punchline or "Jeopardy!" answer lasting for the next, oh, seven minutes. But Balloon Boy's got to get in line behind a bunch of other kids who've been confined to similarly ungainly contraptions, and I can think of one right off the bat from a much-beloved "Seinfeld" episode. Get ready, America, for the brawl for it all -- Balloon Boy vs. Bubble Boy.

	Balloon Boy (Falcon Heene)	Bubble Boy (Donald Sanger)
Father's occupation	Reality-TV whore	Yoo-Hoo truck driver
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Mortal peril	Runaway homemade helium balloon flying as high as 15,000 feet	Immune deficiency in his blood
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Eponymous confinement most resembles	A flying Jiffy Pop tin	A clear plastic shower curtain
WINNER: Balloon Boy
First sign that something might be amiss	Dad called local TV stations before he called 911	Ordered George Costanza's girlfriend to take her top off
WINNER: Bubble Boy
Instrument of final downfall	Larry King	Misprinted Trivial Pursuit card
WINNER: Balloon Boy
Lasting quote	"You guys said that, um, we did this for the show."	"It doesn't matter. It's MOORS! THERE'S NO 'MOOPS'!"
WINNER: Bubble Boy
What have we learned?	Don't exploit children to promote your own fakakta endeavors	Don't try to take advantage of people at board games
WINNER: Balloon Boy

FINAL SCORE: Balloon Boy 4, Bubble Boy 3. I guess there's more romance to a giant fucking Jiffy-Pop-looking silver balloon than a plastic bubble.

Monday Morning Cage Match XVIII:45-19 vs. 1940.

If you're a Georgia fan -- or maybe even if you're not -- this one should be pretty self-explanatory. Who had the bigger failure of strategy: Our defensive coordinator or the general in command of French forces during the Nazi invasion in World War II? Only the Monday Morning Cage Match can decide for sure -- and thus we have Willie Martinez vs. Maurice Gustave Gamelin.

	Willie Martinez	Maurice Gamelin
Birthplace	Coral Gables, Fla.	Paris, France
WINNER: Gamelin
Title	Defensive coordinator, Georgia Bulldogs	Generalissimo of French forces
WINNER: Tie
Early success	Served with distinction as a defensive back on Miami's 1983 national-title team	Served with distinction as a brigadier general in World War I
WINNER: Gamelin
Highest achievement	Promoted to defensive coordinator after the departure of Brian VanGorder; helped lead Georgia to the 2005 SEC championship	Promoted to commander of the General Staff by prime minister Edouard Daladier
WINNER: Martinez
Tactical trademark	Soft zone coverage in the defensive secondary	The Maginot Line
WINNER: Martinez
Result of this strategy
WINNER: Martinez
Final fate	Still employed	Arrested by Vichy authorities and held for five years before being liberated by Allied forces
WINNER: Martinez

FINAL SCORE: Martinez 5, Gamelin 3. See, it could be worse. It's not like Willie was instrumental in the Nazi takeover of an entire continent or anything.

Monday Morning Cage Match XVII:Two establishments that celebrate sports in, um, different ways.

As many of you probably already know, I'm kind of a fan of the Hooters restaurant chain. I like the, uh, atmosphere. But the place has its detractors -- people complain that it's tacky, the food's mediocre, et cetera. And then there's the most frequently heard complaint of all, which is that the place objectifies women.

I have to concede that point a little -- the, you know, stretchiness of the standard employee attire might verge a little on the gratuitous. Then there's the name of the restaurant itself, which, come on, we all get it. But it's not like that kind of innuendo is restricted to Hooters, nor to the female gender. In fact, there's a major sporting-goods company that pulled in revenues of nearly four billion dollars last year and whose very name makes reference to a sensitive part of the male anatomy. And does anyone ever get all worked up over that? It's time to determine once and for all which is truly the more respectable establishment, and that's the kind of thing the Monday Morning Cage Match was made for. Thus we present: Hooters vs. Dick's.

	Hooters	Dick's Sporting Goods
Founded	1983	1948
WINNER: Dick's
Locations	Nearly 450 in 46 states and 24 foreign countries	More than 300 in 40 states across the U.S.
WINNER: Hooters
Employee uniform
WINNER: Hooters
Current promotions	Regularly occurring poker nights, trivia nights, and bikini contests	Free shipping on NFL jerseys and any orders of $125 or more
WINNER: Hooters
Recent acquisitions/ expansion	Miami Hooters arena football team (marketing agreement ceased 1995), Hooters Air (ceased operations 2006), Hooters Casino Hotel	Galyan's Trading Company, Galaxy Golf, Chick's Sporting Goods
WINNER: Dick's
Chance you'll run into John Daly	Substantial	Possible in the golf department
WINNER: Hooters
How are the wings?	OK	N/A
WINNER: Hooters

FINAL SCORE: Hooters 5, Dick's 2. OK, maybe this one was a little unfair.

Monday Morning Cage Match XVI:Saturday hero vs. Friday villain.

To the relief of Gator fans and ESPN narrative scribes everywhere, Tim Tebow walked out of a Lexington hospital yesterday after having sustained a concussion on a bone-rattling hit from a Kentucky defender Saturday evening. No word on whether any gashes in his head miraculously healed up before the doctors' eyes, or whether he was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair or simply ascended into the sky and was transported back to Gainesville as if by the hand of God, but either way, I give the kid credit for being tough. How tough, though, is something that has to be measured with an objective eye. And I can think of no better way to do that than with a Monday Morning Cage Match: Tebow vs. Deebo.

	Tim Tebow	Deebo
Occupation	Quarterback	Neighborhood bully/jacker
WINNER: Tebow
Burst onto the scene by	The "jump pass" against ninth-ranked LSU in 2006, in addition to nine rushes for 35 yards and a TD	Beating up Red at a dice game and taking his bike
WINNER: Tebow
Most famous quote	“To the fans, the Gator Nation, I’m sorry. Extremely sorry. But I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come from this. You will never see a player, in the entire country, play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season. And you will never see a team play harder than we will play the rest of the season. God bless.”	"THAT'S MY BIKE, PUNK!!!!"
WINNER: Deebo
Ever knocked anyone out?	Not to my knowledge	Yes
WINNER: Deebo
Ever been knocked out?	Yes	Yes
WINNER: Tie
Greatest victory	2008 BCS National Championship Game win over Oklahoma	Successfully stealing $200 from Stanley's house and not having to share
WINNER: Tebow
Fellated by	Fox Sports announcer Thom Brennaman	Debbie's sister Felicia
WINNER: Tie

FINAL SCORE: Tebow 5, Deebo 4. Deebo may be a formidable opponent, but I don't think anyone's life was ever all that much improved by spending five minutes with him.

Monday Morning Cage Match XIV:Over the hill, two villainous masterminds square off.

Not to get too grandiose about things, but Saturday night I think we witnessed the beginning of the end of the Steve Spurrier mystique. Not so much because his South Carolina team lost a heartbreaker to Georgia -- clearly, that's happened before on several occasions -- but because it was so obvious that he's lost a lot of his power to intimidate. When Georgia state patrolmen are fist-bumping one another right in front of you after your final attempt at pulling out a win falls incomplete, it's clear that there aren't a lot of people trembling at the sound of your name anymore. (Contrast that to the '95 Georgia-Florida game in which Spurrier dumped 52 points on the Dawgs in their own stadium. Nobody in the state of Georgia's employ was doing any fist-bumping that afternoon, I assure you.)

But it's not like Spurrier is the only so-called villainous mastermind who's started running out of steam on the back nine of his career, either. Ernst Stavro Blofeld, founder of the SPECTRE international crime organization, came to epitomize the "evil genius" archetype even though he got his ass kicked by James Bond nearly every time they crossed paths. Which fading mastermind desperately clinging to relevance still holds the greater claim to the title of Evil Genius? The Cage Match will tell us, as we pit Spurrier vs. Blofeld.

	Steve Spurrier	Ernst Stavro Blofeld
Childhood home	Johnson City, Tennessee	Section of Germany that is now north-central Poland
WINNER: Blofeld
Accessory	Visor	White Persian cat
WINNER: Blofeld
Parodied by	Hal Mumme	Dr. Evil in the "Austin Powers" movies
WINNER: Blofeld
Famous quote	"You can't spell Citrus without UT."	"This organization does not tolerate failure."
WINNER: Spurrier
Greatest success	12-1 record and national title behind Danny Wuerffel in 1996	Getting revenge on James Bond by assassinating his wife on their wedding day
WINNER: Spurrier
Greatest failure	12-20 record with the Washington Redskins	Foiled in his plan to steal a Lektor cryptographic device from the USSR
WINNER: Blofeld
Current status	29-23 at South Carolina (15-18 SEC) and 1-4 against Georgia	Killed after being picked up by a helicopter piloted by James Bond and dropped down a smokestack in the North Thames gasworks
WINNER: Spurrier, but barely

FINAL SCORE: Blofeld 4, Spurrier 3. Steve may have the better career W-L record, but when it comes to villainous megalomania he's still playing from behind.

Monday Morning Cage Match XIII:An age-old debate resolved. Well, not really.

As a very wise man by the name of Jim Tressel once said, "Side boob is the new under boob, but not as good as boobs-pushed-against-glass-view boobs." Jimbo hasn't been blogging a lot over at Tressel's World since the Buckeyes got their collective faces rocked off in the 2006 national championship game, which is a loss for all of us, but his sage wisdom lives on and still holds true for us today. But I wanted to know: Is sideboob really the new underboob? Goaded on by Holly, who should really know better by now, I decided to make this age-old question the subject of this week's Cage Match: Sideboob vs. Underboob.

	Sideboob	Underboob
Urban Dictionary definition	"A view of the female breast seen from a side; generally under loosely-fitting clothes. Very titillating (pun intended) and sexual without showing any overt nudity."	"Hands down, one of the finest aspects of a woman's anatomy that can be enjoyed in any public venue. "Underboob is achieved by wearing a very short halter top or cropped tank, also known as an underboob shirt, which exposes the bottom areas of a woman's breasts. "Much like the combination of low-rise jeans and a thong, the underboob shirt can only successfully be worn by select few women."
WINNER: Underboob
Common habitat	Awards-show red carpets	Panama City and other Spring Break locales; various Bike Weekends
WINNER: Sideboob
Well-known practitioner	Lindsay Lohan	Lucy Pinder
WINNER: Underboob
Advantages	Easy to pass off as an accident or "wardrobe malfunction," if necessary	As signs of sexual interest go, it's hard to misinterpret
WINNER: Sideboob
Drawbacks	Less flattering in many instances; association with Lindsay Lohan	Can only be pulled off with breasts of a certain size; more likely to result in a public-indecency charge
WINNER: Underboob
First result on Google image search
WINNER: Tie
Social acceptability rating	5	2
WINNER: Sideboob

FINAL SCORE: Sideboob 4, Underboob 4. There's no need to rank or quantify here; clearly, when it comes to alternative boob views, there are no losers, only winners.

Monday Morning Cage Match XII:Two heavyweights in the action genre face off.

Last week's Cage Match pitted an up-and-coming star from Georgia's offense against an opponent with the same last name and (roughly) the same hair color. This week, we turn our eyes to the other side of the ball and pit the hardest hitter of the Dawgs' defense against an action-film impresario who's taken some pretty hard hits of his own: Rennie Curran vs. Renny Harlin.

	Renny Harlin	Rennie Curran
Occupation	Big-budget film director/producer	Weak-side linebacker
WINNER: Harlin
Inspirational story	Made his first short film at the age of 12	Family escaped war-torn Liberia and opened their home to fellow refugees
WINNER: Curran
Early success	"Die Hard 2"	Named SEC Freshman of the Week after a 13-tackle performance against Kentucky in 2007
WINNER: Harlin
High-profile failure	Directed "Cutthroat Island," which bankrupted Carolco Pictures and made the Guinness Book of World Records for biggest cinematic flop of all time	Florida 2008
WINNER: Curran
Redemption (of a sort)	"Deep Blue Sea"	Repeatedly compressing Javon Ringer's spine in the Capital One Bowl
WINNER: Curran
Romantically linked to	a former Miss Finland (dated), Geena Davis (married)	In theory, as many Georgia co-eds as he can handle at any given time
WINNER: Curran
Career tackles	0	168 (107 solo), including 19 for loss
WINNER: Curran

FINAL SCORE: Rennie Curran 5, Renny Harlin 2. Another victory for the 2009 Dawgs. And I didn't even take into account which one would be scarier to run into in a dark alley.

Monday Morning Cage Match XI:It's time to start finding out about our football team.

The college-football season is just 10 days away; the NFL season starts a week after that; and the high-school box scores are already starting to show up in the newspapers. Happiness is about to return to all our lives, people. But it's time we started getting some real relevant information about our teams and the ones we'll be facing this year, and I realize that I've been pretty slack about doing that so far this summer. I aim to remedy that with the Monday Morning Cage Match -- today's Match will be the first in what may be a series (but may not be, but maybe it will, I don't know, whatever) introducing you to Georgia players and showing you how they stack up in hypothetical, arbitrary comparisons that have little to do with their on-field prowess at all. We begin this series by matching up a pair of fiery, up-and-coming redheads: Georgia hero-in-waiting Joe Cox vs. author, blogger, and expert swear-word technician Ana Marie Cox. To your corners!

	Joe Cox	Ana Marie Cox
Occupation	Quarterback	Washington editor of Time's Web site
WINNER: Joe
Nickname	"Ginger Ninja"	"Wonkette"
WINNER: Joe
Notable early successes	Went 31-0 as the starting QB at Independence High School in Charlotte, N.C.	Executive editor of Suck.com, then founded one of the Web's most popular political blogs
WINNER: Tie
Big break	Throwing 2 TDs in the final 9:11 to beat Colorado 14-13 in 2006	Breaking the "Washingtonienne" scandal about the senatorial aide who blew Bush Administration officials for cash
WINNER: Joe
Followed that up by	Going 4-of-10 for 24 yards the following week against Ole Miss and getting benched the entire second half	Got a quarter-million-dollar advance from Riverhead Books for a novel
WINNER: Ana Marie
Quote	"I like the position we’re in. I like when people doubt you and don’t expect a lot from you because I think it makes you want to work for something. That’s the main thing we’ve been trying to tell people this offseason."	"The difference btw Tropical Storm Ana and me? It destroys people's THINGS, I just break people's wills."
WINNER: Ana Marie
Record as a starter	1-0	0-0
WINNER: Joe

FINAL SCORE: Joe 5, Ana Marie 3. Already, a reason to be optimistic about the upcoming season.

Monday Morning Cage Match X:At long last, apples vs. oranges.

The Cage Match marks its 10th week with this week's matchup, and that calls for something special. And ambitious. What more controversial, diabolical question could we possibly seek to solve than apples vs. oranges? Herewith: Fiona Apple vs. Prince William III of Orange. It's going to be a fight to the finish.

	Fiona Apple	William of Orange
Occupation	Pop singer	Sovereign prince of England
WINNER: William of Orange
Known for	Idiosyncratic lyrics and unusual musical arrangements	Championing the Protestant faith in the face of Catholic French ruler Louis XIV in the 17th century
WINNER: Fiona Apple
First big break	Triple-platinum 1996 debut album Tidal	1670 admission to the Dutch council overseeing the nation's defense budget
WINNER: Fiona Apple
Controversial quote	"This world is bullshit, and you shouldn't model your life on what you think that we think is cool, and what we're wearing and what we're saying."	"Every bullet has its billet."
WINNER: Fiona Apple (William's sounds cooler, but I couldn't figure out what the fuck he was talking about)
Questionable decision	Giving her second album a 90-word title	Restricting the religious freedom of Roman Catholics and non-Christians
WINNER: Fiona Apple
Questionable love interest(s)	"Magnolia" director Paul Thomas Anderson	Two male Dutch courtiers
WINNER: William of Orange (sorry, but "Magnolia" and "There Will Be Blood" really, really sucked)
Current fans	Moody teenagers vacillating between indie-rock hipsterism and goth	Northern Irish Protestants who like holding parades through Catholic areas
WINNER: Tie

FINAL SCORE: Apple 5, Orange 3. The great question is finally settled. You're welcome.

Monday Morning Cage Match IX:A book I have not read vs. a book I also have not read.

A few weeks back my dear sister finished reading the first of the books in the Twilight series, and it would be safe to say her judgment of the novel's literary merit was less than charitable; in a two-part post on her blog, she ripped apart both what she called its shitty writing and awful social message for young girls. Now, baby sis would probably readily admit that she did not pick up the book in the first place thinking she'd like it at all, so she may have been a little bit prejudiced. So I figured, what if the Monday Morning Cage Match took a crack at the book with the unprejudiced, unbiased judgment you've come to know and expect? The thing is, I haven't read the book and, not being a 14-year-old girl, don't plan to, but there are plenty of books I haven't read and that's never stopped me from talking about them. So to come up with the definitive judgment of Twilight's place in the literary firmament, it's time for a quick comparison of what seem like two similar books, at least based on their titles: Twilight vs. Night.

	Night	Twilight
Author	Journalist and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel	Mormon housewife Stephanie Meyer
WINNER: Night
Protagonist	Eliezer, Orthodox-Jewish concentration-camp inmate	Bella Swan, clumsy, bookish, yet somehow irresistible high-schooler
WINNER: Night
Villain(s)	The Nazis; man's inhumanity to man	An evil vampire coven; the inconvenience of dating someone who wants to drink your blood
WINNER: Night
Autobiographical?	Yes	You'd kind of have to think so
WINNER: Tie
Excerpt	"How could I say to Him: Blessed be Thou, Almighty, Master of the Universe, who chose us among all nations to be tortured day and night, to watch as our fathers, our mothers, our brothers end up in the furnaces? ... But now, I no longer pleaded for anything. I was no longer able to lament. On the contrary, I felt very strong. I was the accuser, God the accused. My eyes had opened and I was alone, terribly alone in a world without God, without man."	"As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling."
WINNER: Night
Sample praise	"Every sentence feels weighted and deliberate, every episode carefully chosen and delineated. It is also shockingly brief; it can be read in an hour, and carried in a pocket. One has the sense of merciless experience mercilessly distilled to its essence . . . To read it is to lose one's own innocence about the Holocaust all over again." (Ruth Franklin, The New Republic)	"hi i;m a new obsessed fan...probably too old to feel that way, but i can't stop reading the books! my fam never sees me anymore! can;t wait for new moon! i;m dying!!!" (Mindy, "Twilight Fans" group on Facebook)
WINNER: Night
Film adaptation?	No	Yes
WINNER: Twilight

FINAL SCORE: Night 6, Twilight 2. The biggest walkover in any Cage Match so far. I can tell you're shocked.