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Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday Morning Cage Match XVI:Saturday hero vs. Friday villain.

To the relief of Gator fans and ESPN narrative scribes everywhere, Tim Tebow walked out of a Lexington hospital yesterday after having sustained a concussion on a bone-rattling hit from a Kentucky defender Saturday evening. No word on whether any gashes in his head miraculously healed up before the doctors' eyes, or whether he was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair or simply ascended into the sky and was transported back to Gainesville as if by the hand of God, but either way, I give the kid credit for being tough. How tough, though, is something that has to be measured with an objective eye. And I can think of no better way to do that than with a Monday Morning Cage Match: Tebow vs. Deebo.




Tim Tebow

Deebo
OccupationQuarterbackNeighborhood bully/jacker
WINNER: Tebow
Burst onto the scene byThe "jump pass" against ninth-ranked LSU in 2006, in addition to nine rushes for 35 yards and a TDBeating up Red at a dice game and taking his bike
WINNER: Tebow
Most famous quote“To the fans, the Gator Nation, I’m sorry. Extremely sorry. But I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come from this. You will never see a player, in the entire country, play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season. And you will never see a team play harder than we will play the rest of the season. God bless.”"THAT'S MY BIKE, PUNK!!!!"
WINNER: Deebo
Ever knocked anyone out?Not to my knowledgeYes
WINNER: Deebo
Ever been knocked out?YesYes
WINNER: Tie
Greatest victory2008 BCS National Championship Game win over OklahomaSuccessfully stealing $200 from Stanley's house and not having to share
WINNER: Tebow
Fellated byFox Sports announcer Thom BrennamanDebbie's sister Felicia
WINNER: Tie

FINAL SCORE: Tebow 5, Deebo 4. Deebo may be a formidable opponent, but I don't think anyone's life was ever all that much improved by spending five minutes with him.

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