Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes X.

Hate the "Olive Garden Confidential" series with every fiber of your being? If so, then you're in luck -- this is the last installment, at least until someone throws me some embeddable video I haven't used yet. I'm particularly interested in the ad where the dad takes the daughter and all her college roommates to Olive Garden. Oh, there's gonna be a great one for that. Until that glorious day, though, here's the 10th and (for right now) final installment in the series, "Maturity."

(As always, watch the original here first.)



SCOTT: Little brother: first bowl -- always alfredo.

KEVIN: Meat sauce.

SCOTT: Alfredo!

LITTLE BROTHER: Yeah, yeah. When are you gonna teach me how to get a girl to show me her boobs?

SCOTT: What???

LITTLE BROTHER: I want to know how to score chicks, 'cause I want to see their boobs. (awkward pause) You told me you were bringing me here to give me some brotherly advice -- you didn't mean you were going to advise me on choosing pasta dishes, did you?

SCOTT: Uh, yeah . . . that's all we were going to do.

LITTLE BROTHER: Great. I'll be a virgin until I'm 35, but at least I'll know what sauce to order until then. Thanks for nothing, you Kirk-Cameron-looking motherfucker.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden's Never-Ending Pasta Bowl, with new five-cheese marinara! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another, just $7.95. Have all you want.

LITTLE BROTHER: All right, fine, I'll try the five-cheese marinara.

SCOTT and KEVIN: (in high-pitched unison) Where did you see that?!?

LITTLE BROTHER: (shaking head sadly) What a couple of queers.

ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes IX.

One more in the never-ending series of glimpses inside the seedy underbelly of the supposedly friendly conversations that go on over stuffed shells and alfredo sauce at the O.G. Today's haunting installment: "Regression."

(First, as always, watch the original commercial here.)



WENDY: Mmmmm, this alfredo reminds me of Mom's secret recipe. Oh, which she told me, by the way.

BEN: Yep, she told me too.

ALAN: Me too.

LUKE: Me too.

WENDY: No way. She told me I was the only one who knew!

BEN: Yeah, she's been saying a lot of stuff like that lately.

WENDY: What do you mean?

BEN: Well, ever since her Alzheimer's really started taking a turn for the worse, she can barely remember what she had for breakfast, much less who she gave her "secret" alfredo recipe to.

WENDY: Wait. Mom has Alzheimer's?

BEN: Uh . . . yeah. She got the diagnosis, like, nine months ago?

WENDY: Oh my God, Ben! When were you going to tell me about this?

ALAN: We called you the day her test results came back, only you were in St. Bart's with your rich producer boyfriend and couldn't be reached.

LUKE: And we sent, like, a ton of e-mails.

WENDY: Oh, jeez, uh . . . well, I guess my, uh, spam filter at work must've caught them . . .

BEN: Uh-huh.

ANNOUNCER: It's Olive Garden's new Shrimp Scampi Alfredo, with herb-seasoned shrimp and our homemade alfredo sauce. Or, try our delicious Grilled Chicken Alfredo -- two great alfredos, both served with warm breadsticks and our endless salad.

WENDY: Well, she did tell me once I was her favorite child.

BEN: Me too.

ALAN: Me too.

LUKE: Heard her say it to one of the nurses at the hospital the other day.

BEN: She even said it to Oscar the last time I was home.

WENDY: Wait, the dog?

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes VIII.

It ain't over. It's never over. Today's installment: "Temptation."

First, watch the original ad here.



DAVE: Are you as hungry as I am?

CINDY: Yeah.

DAVE: So what are we in the mood for?

CARL: I'll know it when I see it.

DAVE: OK, well --

A waitress walks by with a piping-hot plate of food.

DAVE: I think I just did!

(laughter)

DAVE: I mean, did you see the rack on that chick? She's gotta be a stripper -- you don't waste a body like that slinging alfredo at Olive Garden. Holy Moses.

(laughter turns a little awkward)

DAVE: And that ass -- God, I just want to take a bite out of it, like an apple . . .

CINDY: (laughter turns nervous) Wow, Dave, I bet, uh, Marcy wouldn't be too happy to hear you say that.

DAVE: What, just because I got a wife and kids at home I can't show my appreciation when a work of pure sculpture walks by? Jeez, pull the stick out of your ass, Cindy.

ANNOUNCER: Discover Olive Garden's two new tortellonis! Tortelloni with Shrimp in our creamy herb sauce, stuffed with our blend of four Italian cheeses and roasted garlic. Or, try Tortelloni with grilled sausage in a homemade basil marinara! Starting at $9.95. Plus endless breadsticks and salad.

CARL: You just have to know where to look, right, bro-ham?

DAVE: (bumps fists with CARL) You said it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find out what Miss Olive Garden is doing after work.

TASHA: (sotto, to CINDY) Aren't Dave and Marcy, you know, still in counseling?

DAVE: And hey, while I'm getting her digits, maybe you can give Grace Ventura, Marriage Detective over here a refresher course in men having needs.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden -- when you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes VII.

Like a never-ending pasta bowl of angst, shame and recrimination, the Olive Garden Confidential series rolls out with another lost tape, this one called "Control."

Original video viewable here.



TONY: Soooo I could sit here and try all 42 pasta and sauce combinations.

WAITER: Eh, you could.

ANGELA: You better not.

(laughter, except for TONY)

TONY: Jeez, I wasn't actually gonna sit here and eat forty-two bowls of pasta. (to PETER) She's been like this ever since D.J.'s bachelor party — can't even get a single sentence out without her jumping down my throat.

ANGELA: Mmmm, listen to him. You'd think I was the one who came home with a stripper's phone number in my jacket pocket.

TONY: I didn't even know she put it in there! There were a half-dozen girls running around, we were all drunk —

PETER: (sotto) Dude, seriously, when you've hit bottom, stop digging.

PAULA: You told me there was only one stripper!

PETER: Nice, dude. Real nice.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden's never-ending pasta bowl. With new mushroom alfredo! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another! Just $7.95. Have all you want.

TONY: (to WAITER) Well, if I can't have another bowl of pasta, I'm at least gonna have another drink.

ANGELA: Uh-uh. I'll have another glass of Pinot, but you're driving.

WAITER: Uh, so . . . one Pinot. Coming right up.

TONY: Woman, you are sucking the will to live right out of me.

ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: The Lost Episodes.(Which makes this, what, like sixth in a series now?)

The YouTube well of Olive Garden TV commercials had run dry, and I'd even thrown a Pizza Hut commercial into the mix for good measure, but it looks like the Olive Garden Confidential series, rewriting Olive Garden ads as they would actually happen in real life, has just gotten a shot in the arm. I found a veritable treasure trove of old OG spots on the Intertubes today, most of them a few years old but still ripe enough to merit a good skewering. Unfortunately, none of the videos are embeddable, so you'll just have to follow the links to The Commercial Archive to watch them, but go ahead and drink in the rich, creamy dorkiness of the ads over there and then come back here to cleanse your palate with some satire.

The first of the Lost Episodes can be viewed here; and now, "Reckoning."



DAD: So, uh, where you gonna go from here?

SON: Probably the penne with meat sauce.

DAD responds with only a patronizing smirk.

SON: (nervous now) Fettucine with alfredo?

DAD: (condescending chuckle) I meant with your life.

SON: Yup, I knew this was coming. Kind of thought we'd have it in a nicer place than an Olive Garden, though.

DAD: What's that supposed to mean?

SON: I don't know, for a heavy conversation like this, I figured we'd go to the bar at the Plaza, or at least Chez François. But if you want to lay into me for my lack of ambition surrounded by a bunch of secretaries and dental hygienists on their lunch break, guess I can't stop you.

DAD: Tell you what, Rockefeller, you move out of the basement, then I'll consider taking you to someplace fancy.

ANNOUNCER: It's Olive Garden's Never-Ending Pasta Bowl. With great new sauces like mushroom alfredo and creamy five-cheese marinara! Pick one combination of sauce and pasta, then another. Have all you want, just $7.95. Plus -- of course -- salad and breadsticks.

SON: I'm in a really good place right now, Dad.

DAD: 'S that right? Enjoy it, 'cause you're not leaving here without a job application.

SON: God, Dad, can't I enjoy my fricking meal?

DAD: That I'm paying for? If you can clean a plate, you can bus a table, kid.

ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!

(As always, if anyone has some embeddable video they can throw me for any of these, be my guest.)

Olive Garden Confidential Productions presents Olive Garden Confidential V: Pizza Hut Confidential: Roman Holiday.

They still haven't put the two most recent Olive Garden ads up on YouTube, so in lieu of that, by popular demand ("popular" meaning "one person's"), you get the secret inside scoop on what actually happened when Pizza Hut sprung their Tuscani pasta dishes on some unsuspecting real Italians. Herewith, "Roman Holiday":



ANNOUNCER: Pizza Hut went all the way to Rome to surprise real Italians with our new Tuscani lasagna!

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY: Mi ricorda del lasagna della mia madre. [It reminds me of my mom's.]

ITALIAN CHICK: Realmente buon! [Really good!]

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK: É vivacious. [It's vivacious.]

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK'S COMPANION: "Vivacious"? Seriamente? ["Vivacious"? Seriously?]

CHEF: Il lasagna che avete mangiato appena proveniva da Pizza Hut! [The lasagna you just ate was from Pizza Hut!] (bows)

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK'S COMPANION: Noooo! [Noooo!]

BLOND ITALIAN CHICK: Che cosa la scopata? [What the fuck?]

DOUCHEY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY: Prendo la mia amica al nuovo ristorante più d'avanguardia a Roma per proporre unione a lei, e concludiamo in su il cibo del Pizza Hut? [I bring my girlfriend to the trendiest new restaurant in Rome to propose to her, and we end up eating Pizza Hut?]

AMERICAN TOURIST: I can't believe we flew four thousand miles for this. If I'da wanted to gorge myself on Pizza Hut, I'da stayed in Scranton!

AMERICAN TOURIST'S DAD: Some things never change. Dirty wops are just as cheap as they were when I was here during the war.

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY'S MOM: Così la mia cottura gli ricorda di immondizia Americana grassa? [So my cooking reminds you of greasy American garbage, does it?] (bursts into tears and begins wailing)

JARED-FROM-SUBWAY-LOOKING ITALIAN GUY'S DAD: Osservi che cosa avete fatto alla vostra madre canonizzata, voi ingrate ripugnante! [Look what you've done to your sainted mother, you filthy ingrate!] (takes off shoe and begins beating son with it)

ANNOUNCER: New Tuscani pasta from Pizza Hut! Over three pounds of pasta feeds four for just $14.99 with breadsticks.

OTHER AMERICAN TOURIST: Christ almighty, at the current exchange rate, we just paid a hundred and twenty-six dollars to eat fucking Pizza Hut.

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY: Avete insultato la famiglia di deCicero, e state andando pagare! So dove dormite! [You have insulted the deCicero family, and you're going to pay! I know where you sleep!]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY'S WIFE: Dovreste sapere che qualcosa era di traverso quando abbiamo veduto il "P' Zone" sul menu, voi mongoloid grasso. [You should've known something was up when we saw the "P'Zone" on the menu, you greasy mongoloid.]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY: Volete ritenere la mia rabbia anche, donna? [You want to feel my wrath too, woman?]

GREASEBALL ITALIAN GUY'S WIFE: Oh, per favore, neppure non siete stato "fatto" ancora. [Oh, please, you haven't even been "made" yet.]

OTHER AMERICAN TOURIST'S WIFE: Fuck this, let's go to Olive Garden. At least they give you unlimited salad and breadsticks.

ANNOUNCER: New Tuscani Pasta, delivered only by Pizza Hut! Now you're eating!

Olive Garden Confidential: Fourth in a series.

Here is "Flashpoint," the fourth in our series of alternate-reality Olive Garden ads. And also the final, unless someone can tell me where to find an embeddable version of the ad where the dad insists he "didn't know" it was Never-Ending Pasta Bowl Day at the O.G. I've got an idea in mind for that one but can't quite remember how the dialogue goes. Anyhoo . . .



WAITRESS: Can I take your order?

MAN: Yeah, I'll have the stuffed chicken marsala.

WOMAN: Oh, me too.

MAN: You know what, then I'm gonna get the stuffed chicken limone.

WOMAN: Ooh, that sounds good too.

MAN: Really? Seriously? We're doing this again?

WOMAN: What?

MAN: You know, the thing where I can make up my mind and you can't, so you just do whatever I'm doing, and then you sit there and complain about how much you hate it?

WOMAN: I do not do that.

MAN: Oh, you don't, huh? So when you couldn't decide what you wanted to do when our cruise stopped in Cozumel, and you ended up coming deep-sea fishing with me, you loved that? 'Cause all I remember is you bitching for six solid hours about how all you wanted was to go back to our cabin and read a book.

WOMAN: Mark, I can't believe you're doing this in public.

MAN: OK. Fine. You know what? Why don't I get the limone, you get the marsala, and we'll switch.

WOMAN: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL ME?

ANNOUNCER: Try two great dishes from Olive Garden! Stuffed chicken marsala, bursting with Italian cheeses and sun-dried tomatoes and creamy marsala sauce. And new stuffed chicken limone in a light lemon-butter sauce -- both with endless salad and bread sticks.

MAN (as their plates are set down): Switch?

WOMAN: Oh, you think you can throw me a few crumbs off your chicken limone and that'll make it all better? My mother was so right about you.

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden -- when you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: Third in a series.

Now that the presidential election has come and gone, it's time to get back to stupid stuff, and there ain't nothin' stupider than Olive Garden TV commercials. The third in our series exploring the dark, desperate side of the pseudo-Italian restaurant chain: "Downfall."



GREG: Mmmm, that alfredo really hit the spot.

MELINDA: He just said that about the meat sauce!

GREG: Different dish, different sp -- wait, was that a comment about my weight or something?

MELINDA: Uh, what, no, I -- I was just saying, you really seemed to enjoy the --

GREG: 'Cause I know I've put on a few, OK? Maybe if you'd lost your job and didn't have anything to do all day except sit around waiting for the phone to ring, maybe you'd let yourself go a little, too.

KEVIN: Hey, man, take it easy, you don't need to be so sensitive --

GREG: Oh, thank you, Kev! Hey, everybody: Kevin's gonna be my new life coach! From now on, anytime I need to know how to feel about my life, I'll just ask Kev! . . .

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden's never-ending pasta bowl, with new spinach alfredo! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another! Just $7.95. Have all you want!

KEVIN (sotto, as a waitress brings the check): Hey, uh, Greg, you want me to pick this one up for you, buddy?

GREG: I'M A GROWN MAN! I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY!

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden -- when you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: Second in a series.

The second in our series of grittier, rewritten Olive Garden ads rolls on with a haunting new installment, "Parting." (Previously: "Disclosure.")



WAITRESS: Hi! Can I help you?

MOTHER: Oh, hi, yes, I'm looking for my date.

WAITRESS: Ohhh!

MOTHER: He's very handsome, and his shoes are probably untied.

YOUNG BOY (calling out): Mom!

WAITRESS: (laughs) That's so sweet!

MOTHER: Well, tonight's the night his father and I are telling him we're getting a divorce, so we figured we might as well take him someplace nice, soften the blow a bit . . .

WAITRESS: Oh. (pause) Wow. I'm . . . I'm gonna go get you guys some more breadsticks.

ANNOUNCER: Introducing Olive Garden's new stuffed rigatonis! Filled with five Italian cheeses like mozzarella and parmesan. Try our rigatoni with grilled chicken in a roasted-garlic alfredo, or rigatoni with sausage and tomato alfredo. Starting at $9.95, plus endless breadsticks and salad!

FATHER (to WAITRESS, as YOUNG BOY weeps openly): Could we, ahh, maybe get a few scoops of chocolate gelato over here? And a scotch, double?

ANNOUNCER: Olive Garden -- when you're here, you're family!

Olive Garden Confidential: First in a series.

Sorry the Friday Random Ten+5 hasn't made an appearance in the last couple of weeks -- the well kind of ran dry as far as +5 ideas and the whole thing was on the verge of getting stale. It'll be back next week, I promise, but for right now I want to talk about something else: Olive Garden commercials.

The subject of Olive Garden ads has popped up repeatedly in recent conversations I've had with friends, for some reason, and the conversations invariably revolve around one common belief: that these ads are terrible. They always start off with a group of unreasonably chipper people sitting around a table getting way more involved with, and excited by, the menu than any normal person should be, and then the "kicker" that segues into the voice-over is some lame joke so mild and/or unfunny it hardly qualifies as a joke at all. They're like the "Small Wonder" of national TV spots, and even though I've never eaten at an Olive Garden before in my life, I'm pretty sure that the types of conversations that take place in these ads would never actually happen in real life, ever.

To that end, I've taken a number of recent Olive Garden ads I'm sure you've seen and rewritten them to be a little less perfect, a little less cutesy, and a little more reflective of the deep-seated conflicts and simmering angst that pervade our 21st-century society. For the first of these, I've chosen the ad that, in its original form, I think has aroused the most contempt of late; I call it "Disclosure."



STEVE: OK, so I've done the math on this never-ending pasta bowl -- 42 different sauce and pasta combinations!

JEFF: Well, you do the math, I'm doing the alfredo. (uproarious laughter)

ALEX: And while you're doing the alfredo, I'll do your fiancee! Ha ha! Yeah! . . .

(ALEX puts hand up expecting a high-five; no one responds. An excruciating silence descends.)

STEVE: Not cool, dude. Just . . . not . . . cool.

MICHELLE: That was way over the line, Alex.

ALEX: What? What'd I do?

JENNIFER: Why do you always have to make people feel uncomfortable?

ANNOUNCER (V/O): Olive Garden's never-ending pasta bowl, with new asiago-garlic alfredo! Pick any sauce and pasta combination, then another, just $8.95. At Olive Garden!

STEVE (whispering): Seriously, dude, did you not know Jeff and Becca were in counseling? He caught her having sex with one of his co-workers at their office Christmas party . . . ?

ALEX: Oh my God, oh my God, I am so sorry . . .

ANNOUNCER (V/O): Olive Garden -- when you're here, you're family!